


A Harkness-Jones Christmas Vacation

by AwatereJones



Series: Torchwwod Style Movie re-writes [27]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Christmas, Comedy, F/M, Gen, M/M, Madness, Movie rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27928468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: OK... it was bound to happen sooner or later. This movie rewrite is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation done with some Ianto/Jack flair. With Jack as the bumbling Dad and Ianto as the long suffering Tad it will be a crapshoot. I love this movie, hope you like my version too. (No Aliens or Torchwood here. Just the madness) Merry Christmas everyone. Alt Verse xxxx
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Series: Torchwwod Style Movie re-writes [27]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/267442
Comments: 19
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

A male voice is singing "Oh, Come All Ye Faithful"

Rolling hills, firm stands of pine· and hardwood, barns and bridges. Into this timeless beauty roars a new, aerodynamically-styled Road Queen family TAURUS with simulated wood panels hugging the sleek curves.

The song continues.

The voice belongs to Jack W. Harkness-Jones who roars with fake glee "Joyful and tri-uuuuuuuum-phant, Oh, come ye ... "

Jack's driving. His husband Ianto, is next to him. His fourteen-year-old daughter, Alice and twelve-year-old son, Scout, are in the backseat. Ianto's looking out the window. Scout and Alice are looking out their windows. Jack clears his throat and half-closes his eyes. He finishes with a deep, majestic voice. "Oh, co-o-o-me ye to Be-e-ethlehem."

A-moment of reverent silence.

"Dad? we're …" Scout says then after a pause asks "Can you explain again what doing?"

"We're kicking off our fun, old fashioned family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols."

The Taurus drives along the road with intent. An old, battered pickup truck pulls out on the road. Alice leans forward in her seat. "We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?"

"Nope. I have one of those at home. What we're looking for today is the Harkness-Jones family Christmas tree." Jack smiles proudly.

The pickup truck pulls in behind the Taurus.

"Is it much further, Jack?" Ianto asks softly.

"Nah." Jack grins happily "Three maybe four more songs and we'll be there."

Alice looks at Scout and groans. "Oh, no."

Jack breaks into song once again. "We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas…"

The bent and rust-pitted front bumper of the pickup truck pulls up within a few inches of the rear bumper of the Taurus. Jack continues singing. "We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year ... "

He glances in the rear-view mirror. He stops singing.

Jack speeds up.

"What's the matter?" Ianto asks as he notices Jack's smile slipping while the speed increases slightly.

"Some jackass is riding my tail."

Ianto and the kids look around behind. The Pickup Horn blows.

"Slow down and let him pass" Ianto demands, knowing his husband's short fuse.

Jack slows down and the pickup pulls around him. Jack BLASTS his horn and sneers as the pickup pulls past him.

"Jack? Don't provoke them." Ianto warns.

Jack flashes his lights and BEEPS his horn. Ianto groans and rolls his eyes as he watches Jack's grin turn evil.

"Hey, kids Look? A deer!" He points out the window. As the kids look, Jack flips the pickup a double bird. He looks at Ianto and chuckles… proud of himself. He turns back from Ianto and gasps. He stomps on the brakes.

The pickup has jammed on its brakes. The Taurus rides up close.

The kids jerk forward. Ianto is hurled forward. Jack grits his teeth and nearly bends the wheel over.

The farm boys in the truck look out the rear window, laughing. They pull away.

Jack snarls. He's angry and committed to escalating the conflict. He hits the gas.

The Taurus squeals out, hot after the truck. Ianto barks at Jack. "Slow down!"

"You want to ride behind somebody who does something like that? I'm gonna get around him and leave him safely behind us." Jack replies then glances at Scout as he adds "I'm gonna burn some dust here."

Jack shouts out the window "Eat my rubber!"

He floors it.

"Dad?" Scout says softly " I believe the expression is 'burn rubber' and 'eat my dust.' Ya know?"

"Yup. And I hope they're hungry!" Jack grins.

The Taurus pulls around the pickup and passes it.

Jack smiles. He waves to the pickup.

"Eat my road grit, liver lips." Jack roars.

A pair of in-bred, red-cheeked, young, sheep-bangers and a gnarled, old man at the wheel watch as the Taurus passes. They are dressed in flannel shirts and dirty, quilted nylon hunting jackets.

Ianto shrinks down in his seat. Jack waves arrogantly.

The Taurus pulls around in front of the pickup.

A semi hauling a load of timber has pulled behind the pickup truck. Jack smiles with satisfaction. "That's enough of that. Anyway. Kids, speaking of Christmas trees, can one of you tell me what kind of tree was first used displayed at the White House?"

The pickup has pulled alongside Jack. Ianto and the kids- notice. Jack doesn't.

"Dad? They're back."

Jack glances out his window.

The pickup pulls in front of the Taurus. The semi is behind the Taurus. The semi pulls out to pass the Taurus. Jack watches as the pickup passes him again.

"Jack! Stop it! I don't want to spend the holidays dead!" Ianto snarls.

Jack looks at Ianto as the semi pulls up alongside the Taurus. "Don't worry about it, Tiger."

Jack returns his eyes to the road, hits his signal and pulls out.

Ianto, Scout and Alice scream as they see that he's pulling into the truck. Jack's eyes pop and he shrieks!

The old man looks in his rear-view mirror and does a double take. He whips around. His two boys whip around and look out the back window. The semi returns to the proper lane. There's no Taurus. The two boys exchange bewildered looks.

The Taurus is trapped between the front and back wheels of the high-clearance trailer running at high-speed. Mud and road salt from the front trailer wheels is peppering the car. The family is silent with shock. Jack's in a full sweat as he struggles to maintain the exact speed of the truck to avoid being caught in the rear wheels.

"We're alright! Thank God, we're alright!" Jack crows like he is a hero.

"Jack?" Ianto turns his head slowly to stare at his husband "We're stuck under a truck."

"Do you honestly think I don't know that?"

Alice pleads "Come on, you guys, don't fight!"

"Well, for Christ's sake, I didn't do this on purpose!" Jack defends himself like it is the same old argument. Ianto blinks and turns his head to stare back out the windscreen with that slow burning rage that Jack knows will bite him in the arse later.

The truck barrels along with the Taurus beneath it. Jack is maniacally focused on controlling the car. Ianto and the kids are praying. "Forgive us our sins ..."

"Tad?" Alice asks "Is lying about why you got home so late a sin?"

"Just keep praying!" Ianto responds.

"Is it? I have to know!"

"Yes!" Jack yells.

Alice sighs and bends her head over her clasped hands as she prays "Forgive me for saying I was at Cassandra Reed's when I was really with Sean Marley under the railroad bridge in town. "

"Did you know about that, Ianto?" Jack asks, turning to stare at Ianto with horror.

"Obviously not!" Ianto barks back then says to Alice "Isn't that the kid who got picked up for sacrificing June bugs in the cemetery?"

"This was before that."

Scout interrupts "What religion are we again?"

"Our Lady of Jesus, we're about to get crushed by a truck!" Jack takes a deep breath, clutches the wheel tightly and jerks it sharply to the right.

Taurus pops out from beneath the semi onto the opposing lane. Jack breathes a sigh of relief and turns on his wipers. Just ahead, a snow plough is pulled over on the shoulder, directly in line with the on-coming Taurus. The Taurus hurtles off the road and disappears.

It's silent.

Peace and tranquility. A virgin snowfield. a long beat and the Taurus bursts out of a snow bank. The Taurus returns to the road, crossing the left lane, then the right and off the road.

A large, permanent wood sign festooned with coloured lights reads - JOLLY JERRY'S SAW 'N' SAVE CHRISTMAS TREE RANCH. The Taurus blasts past the sign and into a make-shift parking lot, sliding sideways into a parking space.

The family is frozen in horror.

Jack parks and turns off the engine. Jack puts the Taurus in park. He looks at his watch.

"Hey? We made pretty good time."


	2. the tree

CHRISTMAS TREE FARM

Families stumble across the frozen earth between the rows of fir trees, shivering, cursing, grousing. We find Jack, Ianto, Alice and Scout trudging through the snow. The family has a very hard go of the deep snow. Jack pays it no mind.

Jack is gushing with the wonder of it all "Is this air fresh or what? Take a deep breath! Notice that smell?"

Scout mutters "It smells like Pinesol."

"And isn't that a Christmasy smell?" Jack shoots back with a jaunty step.

"Jack, can we pick out a tree while we smell?" Ianto asks "It's awfully cold."

"My toes are numb." Alice agrees with her Tad.

Ianto points out a tree. "There's a nice one over there."

Jack considers the tree briefly and rejects it. "The bottom's all dead, hon. A deer probably lifted his leg on it."

Ianto stares at him silently as he tries to imagine a deer possibly cocking it's leg like a bloody dog. Yeah right. Likely story. Of course, after all this time Ianto does not call him on his bullshit anymore. Instead he sighs again with some effort.

They continue their march through the snow.

Scout asks after a while "Dad? Didn't they invent Christmas tree lots so people wouldn't have to drive all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole Saturday?"

"They invented them, Scout, because people forgot how to have a fun, old-fashioned family Christmas and are satisfied with scrawny, dead, over-priced trees that have no special meaning. You know, kids. This is what our forefathers did."

Alice responds calmly "I can't feel my legs."

Jack ignores the interruption as he continues to spout "They went out in the woods, picked out that special tree and cut it down with their bare hands."

"Tad? I can't feel my hips"

"Jack?"

Jack stops to survey the landscape. "Yeah, Tiger?"

"Alice is frozen from the waist down." Ianto points out with annoyance.

Jack gives a distracted wave of his hand "That's all part of the experience."

Jack scans the forest. Something catches his eye. He's spotted the special tree.

"There it is!" Jack points. The family turns to see what he's pointing at. A perfectly shaped Norway pine. A long beat and Jack strolls over. Ianto realizes that the tree is twenty feet tall.

Jack declares to the family "The Harkness-Jones family Christmas tree."

Jack looks up, and admires the tree. The family gathers around him. Ianto asks tentatively "Jack? Isn't it a little big, Cariad?"

"It's not that big. It's ... just . . . full."

"Dad? That wouldn't fit in our yard. " Scot points out with his Tad's calm.

"It's not going in the yard, Scout. It's going in the living room." Jack gushes.

Jack puts his arm around Ianto and Alice. Ianto pulls Scout into the family embrace. Jack sighs happily "Just look at it."

"It really is beautiful, Jack." Ianto is forced to agree. If it gets them out of here, sure.

"It's something else, huh, Scout?"

"Yeah, Dad."

"Alice? Isn't it a beaut?"

"She'll see it later, Cariad, her eyes are frozen shut." Ianto replies for their daughter who has almost given up on life.

Jack takes a deep breath, after a satisfied pause "The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin."

Thith tree ith a thymble of th pirit of the Harkness-Jonth family Christmuth." Jack tries to speak but his tongue will not work. Ianto bores a hole in Jack's head with his silent glare. Jack looks at him with honest confusion. "What?"

after a pause Scout asks "Dad? Did you bring a thaw?"

He realizes he's made a mistake but doesn't care to admit it. "Thyit "

.

.

TREE RANCH - HOUSE TRAILER

A rotting double wide serves as the office and residence of Jolly Jerry. The family stands at the door. It opens on a sour-looking, middle-aged man smoking a cigarette and wearing a dirty Santa hat. "What?"

Jack offers a friendly smile. "I hate to trouble you, but I didn't bring a saw."

The Man puffs on his butt and blows the smoke out his nose. "Rules say buyer provides own damn saw."

He points to a painted sign on the trailer. A painted sign - black letters on white. It reads - BUYER PAYS IN ADVANCE - BUYER DON'T USE THE RANCH AS A BATHROOM - BUYER DON'T CUT DOWN MORE TREES THAN HE PAID FOR - BUYER PROVIDES OWN DAMN SAW.

Jack sneaks a glance at Ianto. He gives Jack a look. "I paid seventy-five dollars for the tree. I need some way to get it out of the ground."

Ianto gapes "You paid that much for a tree?"

"Tiger, it's huge." Jack whines, then to the Man "It's cold, the holidays are here, I'd really appreciate it if you could help me out."

The man scratches his nose and reaches around behind the door. He looks at the family.

"Sometimes you just have to ask nice." Jack says to his family "This is countryside cooperation. You wait and see."

The man holds up a shovel.

Jack stares with alarm.

.

.

Jack's in the front passenger seat. He's frozen, blue, clutching the shovel. Ianto and the kids are also blue. The car has the enormous tree tied to the roof. The car pulls ahead as the full length of the tree; branches bound with heavy twine and a huge root ball drags along the road.


	3. needled

A fine upper middle class dwelling. The lights are on. The Taurus is in the driveway. The giant tree is resting on its root ball in the front yard. Scout and a couple of neighbor's kids are standing in the driveway looking at the tree. Inside the garage, a chainsaw starts up.

The electric door goes up. Jack steps out of the dark wearing a hockey mask and brandishing a chainsaw.

A couple in their mid-thirties is getting out of a Saab parked in the driveway of the house next to the Harkness-Jones'. They're handsome, successful, modern suburban professionals. Margo and Todd Chester. They look to the Harkness-Jones's, wincing at the ROAR of the chainsaw. Margo crosses around to Todd to stand at his side. Todd snorts "Looks like the toad overestimated the height of his living room ceiling."

They have a chuckle - a compressed, stiff laugh. They are clearly people devoid of humour.

The giant tree is laying in the front yard, still bound with twine. Jack takes the chainsaw to it and cuts it in half.

Todd, wearing a cocky grin, yells "Hey, Harkness-Jones! Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?"

Obviously there no love lost on the Chesters. Jack's in a bad enough mood as it is. He turns off the chainsaw and pushes the mask up on his forehead. He cups his hand to his mouth and yells. "Bend over and I'll show you!"

Todd's smile fades. He looks to Margo. He looks back at Jack, angry at the rude suggestion offered in the presence of his wife. "You got your nerve talking to me like that, Harkness-Jones!"

Jack yells back. "I wasn't talking to you!"

She gasps in horror.

The chainsaw revs up.

.

..

.

The tree is up in the rear corner of the room. Jack's had to trim both the top and bottom to get it to fit. It's still wrapped with twine. The family is standing before the tree.

Looking up Ianto asks calmly "Jack? Is there enough room for the star?"

It's flush to the ceiling.

Looking at top of the tree Jack replies with fake bravado "Oh, sure, Tiger. I have a little more trimming to do but it won't be a problem."

Jack steps to the tree and takes up a length of twine. "I give you the Harkness-Jones family Christmas tree!"

He yanks on the twine. The branches are released and unfold into the room. Unwrapped, the tree is enormous. Branches extend deep into the room.

A branch CRASHES through a side WINDOW. Another branch CRASHES through a back WINDOW. A third of the living room square footage is dominated by the unfurled tree. The Harkness-Jones' stand waist-deep in pine boughs. The tree is the same diameter at the top as at the bottom. It's a pine cylinder, eight feet in diameter. Jack looks at Ianto, Alice and Scout. He says nothing. They say nothing.

.

.

.

.The lights are on. We can see the glow of a fire in the living room fireplace. A beautiful fire. Christmas music is playing on the stereo. It's pleasant and calm. A nearly perfect holiday picture. Jack's wearing a cashmere V-neck. He's untangling a strand of lights. Alice, Scout and Ianto are sitting with bowls of popcorn and cranberries in their laps. Jack has trimmed the Christmas tree branches and denuded the top twelve inches to accommodate the star. He's fishing lights out of a cardboard box.

"I can't get my needle through the cranberries." Scout grumbles.

Alice gives a frustrated growl "The popcorn falls apart when I pull the string through it!"

Jack walks to the tree with the light strands.

"Jack? The old-fashioned ornaments aren't working out too well." Ianto points out.

"That's all part of the fun, Tiger. You know, kids, years ago, people couldn't go out and buy their ornaments. They had to make them from things around the old prairie homestead. Coloured balls of mud, wood shavings, bits of yarn and string, ox horns, donkey tails, prairie dog whiskers. I'll get the lights up and then I'll give you a hand." Jack begins stringing the lights on the tree, starting at the bottom. Jack moves slowly around the tree, stringing the lights as he goes.

Scout reaches into a bowl of popcorn. "Dad? This tradition stuff is pretty cool so far but I think it might lose its charm if it extended to our gifts. I mean, you're not planning on making our presents are you?" He loads the popcorn into his mouth.

Jack considers the question for a moment. "Sounds like fun … (pause) But, no."

Scout pulls a string and then a row of strung pieces of popcorn out of his mouth.

Jack disappears around behind the tree. "Before we know it, you kids'll be all grown up and…"

"Jack?" Ianto interrupts with a frown "What are you doing behind the tree?"

"Putting up the lights." Jack's disembodied voice calls back.

"Nobody looks behind the tree, Dad." Scout points out with that Jones eye roll his Taddy gave him.

"If you just do the front, the tree isn't balanced. Believe me, if I didn't put lights back here, you'd notice a difference." Jack said then and came a faint "Ouch!"

"Watch your eyes, Daddy." Alice says with alarm.

The tree shivers and shakes as Jack works his way around behind it.

Ianto sighs "I hope you're not getting sap all over your sweater."

Jack gags and coughs "Hold on, I just swallowed a cocoon. (gags) Okay. All better. Have you ever tasted cocoon? It's a little like cashews but not so salty."

Jack emerges from around behind the tree. He's covered head-to-toe in sap and pine needles. "What'd you say, Tiger?"

.

.

.

Jack and Ianto are cleaning Jack's sweater. Jack's working on one sleeve, Ianto's working on the other. Ianto's picking individual needles off. Jack's herding them down the cuff.

"Did I tell you that I talked to my mother?" Ianto asks as he works.

Jack replies with a false look of sorrow "Yeah, and it's a shame they can't come for Christmas. I was so looking forward to seeing them."

"I talked to her today. They changed their mind. My dad couldn't get a good enough deal on the condo in Florida so they're coming." Ianto continues to speak.

"Damn. Darn. Great!" Jack corrects himself.

Jack pulls a large wad of sticky pine needles off the cuff of his sweater and tries to flick it into the wastebasket. Ianto adds "Let's not forget whose idea it was to have the fun, old-fashioned family Christmas here."

"Am I complaining?" Jack asks like Ianto is insane.

Ianto is trying to get the needles off his hands; All he does is transfer the needles from one hand to the other. They continue talking, not acknowledging the sap and the needles. "No, but I think you're forgetting how difficult it's going to be with all these people at our house."

"They're family, Ianto, not strangers off the street."

"They're family and they don't get along." Ianto reminds him.

"They get along." Jack tries to wipe the wad of pine needles on the edge of the grocery bag lining the wastebasket. When he pulls his arm back, the bag goes with it. It's now stuck to his hand.

"All they do is argue." Ianto stares at the bag as it flicks about his head "Who sleeps in what room, who do the children love more? Jack, it's endless."

"Christmas is about resolving differences and seeing through the petty problems of family life." He holds out his hand and the bag stuck to it. Ianto pulls the bag off. It sticks to his hands now.

"Yeah. And it's about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot dogs and your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip and they stop speaking for three years."

Jack freezes, the bag almost back to his hand now "Your mother waxes her upper lip?"

"She has for years. "

"It sure doesn't show." Jack peels his sweater off and tosses it on the table. It's stuck to his hand. He tries to throw it again. The sweater goes nowhere.

"Do you really want to listen to my father and your father go at it over who suffered the most during the war?"

"That's all part of it, Ianto. You take the good with the bad." Jack advises with a superior look.

"The damage is done. They're all coming. But just be aware that it's not going to be all sweetness and light. Especially since my dad had his back operation." Ianto puts the bag between his knees and pulls his hand free. The bag stays stuck to his knees. "He's extremely touchy about it."

"No problem. Nothing's going to spoil this Christmas." Jack puts the sweater in his mouth and pulls it off his hands. He shakes his head. The sweater's stuck to his face. His voice now muffled "Not even your dad."

"What?" Ianto asks in that cold icy tone that always scares Jack a little.

Jack replies in a softer tone "Not even your dad."

Siberia.


	4. undies

The lights are out.

Jack and Ianto are in bed.

"How about a little home shopping?" Jack asks.

"Jack, it's so late."

"Can I just thumb through your catalogue?" Ianto laughs as Jack pulls Iato to him.

"Okay, if I can go through yours first."

The bedroom door opens and Alice peeks in.

"Ooo. What a big catalogue this year" Ianto giggles.

"All the better to serve you with." Jack purrs.

Jack and Ianto are hiding under the covers. Ianto asks "What's this?"

"You're in the sporting goods section." Jack growls as Ianto giggles some more.

She has no idea what they're talking about. "What are you guys doing?"

Ianto pops up from under the covers. Jack looks up in alarm. Ianto leaps from the bed.

"Ianto! Your hand!"

It's too late. The power of Ianto's leap from bed drags Jack to the floor by his undershorts. He screams as he crashes to the floor.

.

.

.

A Christmas Calendar of the sort that conceals each date behind a paper door. Every day in the month of December, one of the little doors is opened to reveal the date and a symbol of the season. Jack's fingers open the first door to expose DEC. 15 and a tiny illustration of a partridge in a pear tree. As Jack draws his hand away, the paper door sticks to his finger and he tears it off.

.

DOWNTOWN CHICAGO

The Loop. Decorated for the holidays.

Jack's building. A new high-rise in the heart of the city. Jack and a co-worker, John Hart, are standing at the coffee station, sipping coffee and chatting.

"You'll be looking at a nice fat Christmas bonus this year, huh? From what I hear, you have an excellent shot at being named Food Additive Designer of the Year. " John says to Jack with open annoyance.

"Nah." Jack shrugs with fake disinterest.

"I'm not kidding." John assures him "What's the new thing you have over at Food and Drug?"

"Non-nutritive cereal varnish crunch enhancer. It seals the cereal to prevent the milk from penetrating it."

"The big question is, what're you gonna do with that big, fat bonus check? Blow it on yourself, I hope?" John pops a hip and cants his head to make sure he looks gorgeous to those watching them.

Me? Heck, no. Take a look at this." Jack removes a worn, colour brochure from his inside jacket pocket and hands it to John. An ecstatic all-American family frolicking in a deluxe in-the-ground swimming pool and spa.

John peruses the brochure, sufficiently impressed. "You're putting in a pool?"

A proud smile on Jack's face as he nods with glee.

Jack admires the brochure over John's shoulder. "It's my Christmas present for Ianto and the kids. I'm gonna turn the old homestead into our own private summer resort."

"Boy, what's it gonna set you back?" John asks with wonder.

"Can't put a price on happiness, John." Jack laughs, then adds "Plenty. But with the bonus check coming, it's covered. I went ahead and put a seventy five hundred dollar deposit down so they'll start work as soon as the ground thaws. With the heater, we can be in that thing by May."

John shakes his head "I guess you're the last true family man. Me? Christmas is a big pain in the ass. I get a sore face from smiling for five days at people I hate. I had the perfect holiday last year. Piled the kids in the car, drove by my sister's house, blew the horn, and threw the gifts on the lawn."

"You're a sentimental guy, huh?" Jack laughs with him.

"What's Christmas anyway but an economic high colonic." John demands.

Marching wingtips round a corner. LAWRENCE W. BRIGADOON at the point and two young men off his shoulders a few steps back. Brigadoon is a stern, stone-faced man in middle age. His minions are young, clean-cut MBAs. They march with military precision and serious purpose. The men stop suddenly. "Ah.. Harkens."

Jack clears his throat and corrects Mr. Brigadoon. "Jack."

Lawrence barks to John "Jack. Nice to see you. Get back to work. "

John exits.

"That's John, sir. My name's Jack."

"Who asked?" Lawrence barked.

"Pardon me." Jack almost bows but manages to stop himself as he hides his bristle at the pompous boss no one really likes.

"Are you the one who was working on the non-nutritive cereal varnish?"

"Yes, sir." Jack said with pride.

"I'm giving a speech to a trade group and I'd like to mention it. Write me up a brief summary and have it to me by the end of the day." Came the barked order.

"My pleasure."

"Layman's terms. None of that inside bullshit jargon that nobody understands." Lawrence is done and turns away as Jack gushes.

"Yes, sir."

Brigadoon and his bootlicks start down the corridor.

"Mr. Brigadoon?" Jack calls out.

Brigadoon stops and turns back to Jack.

"We got your Christmas card the other day. My family and I are flattered that you remembered us." Jack says as he takes a step towards him.

Brigadoon stares at Jack for a confused beat then looks to one of the Young Men whispers to Lawrence "Corporate cards."

"Oh. Don't forget my speech, John. "

"I won't, sir."

They exit. Jack sets his coffee down. He feels foolish.

"He may not be the warmest guy in the world," he says to himself "but at least he's fair and he signs the checks."

.

.

.

DEPARTMENT STORE - LINGERIE DEPARTMENT - NIGHT

Jack is peering into a display case. He looks up. Freezes. Cleavage, his eyes move up to a beautiful young woman "Can I show you something?"

Jack's bent over a display case, looking at the delicates.

"Uh".

"For your wife? Girlfriend"

He straightens up. He's very uncomfortable and warm. "I guess it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hotter ... hotter than they are. It's warm in here, isn't it"

The Woman smiles. She realizes he's nervous. "You have your coat on."

"Do I?" Jack catches himself staring "Sure I do. How did that happen?"

"Because it's cold out?" she giggles.

"Could be!"

There's an uncomfortable silence.

"So. You were looking at something?" she leans forward again and Jack's eyes widen.

"You know, I couldn't help it." He splutters with horror.

Puzzled she asks "Excuse me?"

"Gesundheit."

"Do you want me to take anything out for you?"

Jack's jaw drops. He wheezes. He looks over his shoulder to see if anyone's listening to the conversation. He ignores the question and carries on. "I was just looking for something for ... my mother. Ah … Husband… err… And obviously he doesn't wear girl's underwear and there's plenty of shopping days left until adultery." Jack burbles then winces and corrects himself " Adulthood. Which is to say Christmas. Yuletide. Yule. As .in yule log. Not a log. I didn't mean a log. I don't have a log."

She blinks with confusion as he seems to dig himself deeper.

"I mean, I do but not in the sense that you think I think I said. Which I said but not meaning what I said when I said it." Jack mops his brow with the back of his hand. "In other words, I'm late and you've been very helpful and busty and I've _enjoyed talking about my log and boy, 'tis this ever the season to be huge. Uh, merry."

"That's my name"

"Huh?"

She points to the name plate on her chest. "Mary."

"Christmas." Jack blurts like a lunatic.

"And a happy New Year." She laughs at him as he is so damned sweet.

Scout is moving through the crowds, package in his arms, looking for Jack. He sees Jack at the lingerie counter. Jack's laughing and enjoying himself. Mary's showing him a miniscule pair of panties. He watches Jack with suspicious curiosity. Scout approaches the counter and Jack.

Mary says to Jack "These are cut high on the hip."

She turns around and displays her bottom. "I'm wearing something very similar. Can you see the line?"

"Oh, yeah." Jack lanes over the counter to look at her arse and then Jack turns to Scout. "Can you see the line, Scout?"

"Yeah, Dad."

It registers that he's just addressed Scout. His eyes bulge. He snaps his head around to Scout. Complete terror.

"Hyew!"


	5. invasion of the olds

Jack and Scout walk through the store loaded with lingerie boxes. Jack's in a nervous sweat as he tries to explain himself to Scout. "Boy, did I get a lot of shopping done. And that funny-looking gal back there was so helpful."

"Funny-looking?" Scout looks at his Dad funny.

"That wasn't fair of me. Unusual looking. So tall and skinny and ... top heavy." Jack takes a deep breath as he subconsciously pushes his own chest out "The wide hips, the narrow waist, the real big eyes and lips and if her cheekbones were any higher, gee whiz, she'd have to open her mouth to put in her contacts. But she was nice and she knew her underpants and that's all that's important. "

"Dad? She was cover girl material."

"Yeah. For like a medical journal. Sure." Jack snorts the after a pause "Gee, I hope I remember where I parked the ole dickster ... Truckster."

Jack shoos Scout on ahead.

"Dad!"

"Keep moving, Scout."

"But, Dad ... !"

He pushes Scout through a door and takes a look back at Mary. She waves to him. He gives her a nervous smile. He turns and walks through the door. As it closes we read a brass sign - LADIES.

There's a collective SHRIEK and a pair of SHARP SLAPS. A beat and Scout and Jack walk out. Their hair is messed up. They both rub their stinging cheeks.

.

.

HARKNESS-JONES HOUSE

A clear, bright Saturday morning.

Ianto's at the kitchen table filling out Christmas cards. He looks up from his work with a troubled look. Some dreadful feeling grips him.

He's struck by the same uneasy feeling. He looks up from the gift he's wrapping.

Scout's watching TV in the family room. As the same feeling comes over him, he hits the MUTE button on the TV.

Jack's trying on a Santa beard in the bedroom. He's taken by the same awful feeling. He slowly removes the beard. A look of terror on his face.

Ianto walks in from the kitchen. He's nervous and tentative. Scout comes in from the dining room. Jack comes down the stairs. Alice follows Jack.

The DOOR KNOCKER sounds. THREE hard, loud BANGS.

Jack is Frightened. He's looking at the front door. Cautiously approaching the door. Jack's trembling hand grips the knob and slowly turns it. The door swings open to reveal four arguing grandparents.

JACK W. HARKNESS SR, NORA HARKNESS, ART AND JENNY JONES ON THE FRONT PORCH

Jack greets the grandparents with open arms. "Folks, folks! Merry Christmas!"

Jack steps back as the grandparents rush the house. They engulf Jack, Ianto, Scout and Alice in hugs and machine-gun chatter. It's an invasion.

Jackie, sweetheart"

"How 'ya doin', boy?" Jack breaks his embrace with Nora and shakes Jack Sr. 's hand.

"Can't complain, Dad."

Art and Jenny descend upon Ianto and the kids. Nora breaks from Jack and pushes past Jenny to Scout. Art returns to Jack. Jack Sr. crosses to Ianto. Scout, Alice, Ianto and Jack hold their positions as the grandparents move between them. Each family member is verbally attacked, hugged, squeezed and kissed. A hundred individual overlapping comments and questions in 30 seconds.

The grandparents' arrival comes with overlapping talking like no one else is speaking even though all four were at once.

"Jackie, sweetheart, how are you?" Nora gushes then says to Ianto "Oprah did a show on skinny women. Did you see it? (to Scout) Maybe if your Mom'd feed you better you'd put on some height. (To Alice) Since when are you wearing eye makeup? (to Jack) The dark hair makes Alice look too old. (to Jack) Do you think this mole on my neck has changed colour? Dad says it hasn't but I think it has. (to Ianto) I have no idea what to get you for Christmas. You have two of everything. (still to Ianto) When you go shopping remember to get Jack Sr. rolled oats. (and still to Ianto) We don't care for T.V. in the morning. We prefer the radio. (to Jack) I brought my old sewing machine. If you get the time maybe you can fix it up for Ianto. (again to Jack) Do you still have the Scout taste to your tap water? (to Scout) You're not seeing girls yet, are you? (then adds to Scout) Do you still like puzzles? (to Jack) Art wants to put his car in the garage. Didn't he have the garage the last time he was here? Why should our automobile have to stay out in the elements? (to Ianto) It smells stale in here. (to Jack) You're working too hard, aren't you? (again to Jack) This may be Dad's last Christmas. Don't spend all your time with Art. (to Ianto) Dear, you look so tired. (to Scout) I have a very painful spur on my heel bone. (to Ianto) I had a nightmare that you talked Jack into making us sleep in the bunk beds."

Art says to Ianto over top of his son's mother- in-law "Dearest sweetheart, give me a big kiss! (still to Ianto) I beat the Jones' here so you tell Jack I'm parking the Lincoln in the garage. (still To Ianto) What's your hot water situation? (to Alice) They drained a pint of fluid from my lower back. (to Scout) Lift with your knees, never with your back. (to Jack) You better salt your walk before somebody breaks their skull. (still to Jack) You could use a little paint on your porch. (again to Jack over his wife's yelling) I beat your dad by a good half second so I'm taking the garage space. (to Jack) How come you didn't put cones on your rose bushes? (to Jack) I'm not sleeping in any damn bunk beds. (to Scout) Hey, pal, you got a kiss for gramps? (to Alice) Give me an Eskimo kiss, kiddo. (to Scout) Your dad still trying to turn you into a fairy too? (to Jack) My back's killing me. I lost two inches in height on the ride over here. (still to Jack) Whoever shovels your walk oughta be tarred and feathered. You looking for a lawsuit? (to Ianto) Since I bought the Lincoln, it's going to be a light year for gifts. (to Jack) You might mention to your dad not to ruin another of our holidays with his cornball jokes. (to Ianto) You know how much they wanted for a one-bedroom condo in St. Pete? (to Jack) Jump off your roof and land on your back and you'll know the pain I'm enduring. (to Jack) Your mom's put on some weight, huh? (to Ianto) Does your pharmacy offer a senior discount? (to Alice) Grandma said you're dating fellas. We're gonna have to have a talk. (to Ianto) You look weary. (to Ianto) I'm on a low-sodium diet and your mother's eating a lot of fish. (to Jack) Don't try and save a nickel on heat. I like it at seventy-two. (to Ianto) I need a lot of moisture in the air. I have a sinus condition.

Jack SR. was also yelling at them all "(to Jack) 33C. Merry Christmas, son. It's good to see you. (to Ianto) Hi, there, sweetheart. You look just so lovely. (to Ianto) Are you getting prettier or is my eyesight improving? (to Scout) I ran into Don Mattingly the other day and you know what he said? 'Don't back up!' Get it? (to Ianto) Your dad can't be in as much pain as he likes us to believe. If he's in so much pain, he oughta be in the hospital where folks are immune to complaining. (to Jack) Don't stick us in those bunk beds again, Jack. I don't have the strength to boost your mom up top anymore. · (to Alice) Looks like those mosquito bites turned into mole hills! (to Scout) I talked to your grandpa Art and he said he doesn't want any sympathy for his back. (to Jack) I'll lay you odds Art couldn't get a good enough deal on the Florida condo to go south for the holidays. (to Jack) Let's see if the two of us can't talk your mother out of; making cookies this year. (to Alice) You're not listening to that devil music are you? (to Scout) What do you want old Santa to bring you this year? (to Ianto) Don't short us on towels this year. (to Jack) We like a late breakfast and an early dinner. (to Jack) Do you remember Fred Lorraine? He sold a humorous story to the Reader's Digest. Made ten bucks. (to Ianto) 33D. Don't fill us up with cheese like last time. (to Jack) Do you have a good mall where Mom and I can go take an indoor walk?"

Meanwhile as these people are roaring at everyone Jenny is doing her bet to add to the noise "(to Ianto) Oh, my sweet boy. You look so haggard. (to Jack) Are you making him do heavy work? (to Ianto) I nearly left your father over this back thing. He's unbearable! (to Alice) I clipped an article for you in our paper about disease and open-mouth kissing. (to Scout) Are you getting enough fresh air and sunshine? (to Jack) Your dad drives like a lunatic. (to Ianto) Hasn't Nora aged?· Poor thing. I didn't want to ask but has she gone deaf? (to Scout) All the boys in our neighborhood have after school jobs. (to Alice) They say pizza is very high in sodium. (to Ianto) I'm going to need to get my hair done but I'm not going to your place again. Not after that polish gal scalded my scalp. (to Jack) If Dad needs a rub down ... (to Ianto) You have no colour in your cheeks. (to Jack) Ianto has no colour in his cheeks. (to Alice) I hope you'll dress up nice on Christmas."

As they arrive, they exit up the stairs en masse yakking all the way, leaving Jack, Ianto, Alice and Scout standing stock still. It's as though a tornado passed through. Ianto's face is frozen, his eyes fixed in a stare. Alice is wearing an identical, catatonic expression. Her hair's messed up. The same expression on Scout. He has a large, distinct lipstick print on each cheek.

Jack comes to his senses. He smiles. "This is what Christmas is all about. It's gonna be great. I'll be outside. For a few hours."

Jack exits out the front door leaving his stunned family alone.

.

.

The garage door opens and Jack comes out carrying an extension ladder. Scout follows with a huge carton of lights and decorations. Jack and Scout are wearing their winter gear. Jack leans the ladder against the house. Scout sets the carton down.

"We're gonna have the best-looking house in town, Scout." Jack reaches into the carton and pulls out a strand of lights.

"That's a lot of lights, Dad."

"If I'm out in the cold and I'm committed to decorating the house, I'm gonna do it right and I'm gonna do it big. You want something you can be proud of, don't you?" Jack says with a hike up of his pants "I need a belt to go with these braces."

"Yeah, I- guess ..." Scout says softly.

"Sure you do."

"You're not gonna overdo it are you, Dad?"

"When have I ever overdone something?" Jack gives a tug on the strand pulling a three-foot ball of tangled lights from the carton.

Todd and Margo exit their house noticing Jack on the ladder. They're dressed for an evening out.

"I hope he falls and breaks his neck" Margo mutters to her husband.

"He'll fall for sure but we're not lucky enough to have him break his neck." Todd replies.

Jack's climbing the ladder, dragging a strand of lights behind him. As he gets to the top of the ladder, it collapses, sending Jack crashing to the ground.

Todd and Margo watch from their car with gaping mouths. They're irritated and fussy, as Todd snarls "There should be some sort of ordinance prohibiting outdoor lights."

"If we can't keep kids and dogs out of the neighborhood we're not going to prevent Christmas lights." Margo retorts, leaning forward in her car seat to watch some more. The car is still in park, neither of them wanting to leave yet.

They both know more is to come.

Jack resets the ladder against the house, climbs back up and begins stapling light strands to the roof.

.

.

Jack Sr and Art asleep in wing chairs. They're snoring. Nora and Jenny are watching a Christmas parade on TV as they construct a pre-fab gingerbread house. They have to speak up against the loud snoring. Nara says loudly "If you keep eating the shingles we won't have any left for the roof"

Nora remote controls the volume on the TV. The snoring increases. Jenny remote controls ·the vilume louder on the TV. The snoring becomes louder. Nora asks Jenny "Is that the fella from 'Jeopardy'?

Nora turns UP the VOLUME more. The snoring gets louder.

"I don't know. " Jenny turns UP the VOLUME again. The snoring gets louder. "It's the ·sports guy who's married to the news gal with the drinking problem"

Jenny turns UP 'the VOLUME again and again; the snoring increases.

"What?"

Things start to bounce across the coffee table near the speaker system as both women shout over the TV and the snoring like nothing is wrong.

Must be Christmas again.


	6. the attic

The left side of the house is partially decorated. Jack is twenty feet above the ground stringing lights under the eaves. He reaches over to secure a strand. The ladder tilts from his weight and one- leg lifts off the ground. · Encumbered by the lights and the stapler, Jack struggles to get back onto the house slamming Jack into the window.

Scout comes out of the garage carrying a six-foot-tall plastic Santa. "Dad? Where do you want the Santa?"

Jack is on the spine of the roof where he's stapling lights. "Just put him on the lawn."

Todd and Margo finally drive off as they decide he is not going to fall after all.

Scout sets the Santa down on the lawn. Behind him a large wooden shutter falls to the sidewalk and shatters. Scout turns and looks up to the roof "Dad? "

Jack fees the ladder slip again and yelps as he grabs for the guttering, the ice inside it shooting out the end into space like a missile.

"FUCK!... Don't' tell your Tad!".

..

.

TODD AND MARGO'S LIVING ROOM

the ice spear crashes through· the side window and impales the stereo.

Jack, holding on to the gutter as it continues to tear loose realizes that the lower roof is just below his feet. He lets go of the gutter leaving him standing on the lower roof. He stands for a beat feeling secure… suddenly his feet slide out from under him, he hits the roof on his stomach… shoots off like a rocket and disappears in a cloud of snow into the bushes below. The root door-opens the moment he lands.

_._

_._

Front lawn …. Jack, Ianto, Alice and Scout, Jack Sr., Nora, Art and Jenny are standing on the front lawn. Jack's worn and tattered from his efforts. His enthusiasm and excitement is unabated. He's holding two extension cords, ready to plug them in.

Art calls out "You want to hurry up with this, Jack? I'm freezing my baguettes off."

Jack gives Art a sidelong glance. He refuses to let him spoil his fun. "Are you ready? Two hundred and fifty strands of lights, one hundred individual bulbs per strand for a grand total of twenty-five thousand individual miniature imported Italian twinkle lights. Twenty-five thousand!"

Alice groans "I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house."

Art says comfortingly "If they know your dad they won't think anything of it."

"Fire it up, Dad!" Scout yells.

"I dedicate this house to the Harkness-Jones family Christmas." Jack says grandly then calls to to the family "Drum roll, please."

No one responds.

"Drum roll?"

Reluctantly Ianto, Scout and Alice flutter their tongues in a cheap imitation of a drum roll.

Jack glares over at the olds "Dad? Mom?"

Jack and Nora Join in. After a beat Art and Jenny reluctantly flutter their tongues.

"Joy to the World!" Jack sings before he joins the drum roll, louder and more enthusiastic. He holds up the plug and the outlet and with great drama and the sound of a CRASHING CYMBAL, joins them.

The house is dark.

Continuing their drum roll. Dampened somewhat Jack unplugs the cords, gives them a twist, revs up and again joins the extension cords. Nothing… drum roll peters out. Jack continues his, but at a lower and in an angry tone. He plugs and unplugs the couple of times.

"Beeeeee-u-t-tiiiiii-ful Jack!" Art says sarcastically.

Jenny shakes her head "Boy, talk about tinkling your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was."

"He worked really hard, Grandma." Alice defends her father as she sees his shoulders slump.

Art huffs "So do washing machines but they don't make very good fathers."

Art and Jenny head back to the house. SR. says to his son "It's probably a bad bulb, son. If one goes out the whole thing doesn't work."

Jack Sr. and Nora go inside. Jack stares at the house seething anger.

"Sorry, Dad." Scout feels sorry for his Dad.

"Good try, Dad." Alice agrees.

"Jack?" Ianto says gently, laying a hand on his husband's arm for comfort. No response. Jack just stares at the house. "We'll be inside, Cariad."

Ianto fixes Jack's coat around his neck to cover his neck. "Don't stay out too late. You have work in the morning."

They leave a nearly despondent Jack and slips away into the house before he explodes.

.

.

.

Todd and Margo are in shock. They've returned home. Todd's looking at the broken window. Margo's looking at the trashed stereo system.

"Something had to break the window." Todd says as he turns in a slow circle of confusion "Something had to hit the stereo."

"And why is the carpet all wet?" Margo asks.

Looking out the window Rodd snarls "I don't know. But I'll bet that asshole had something to do with it."

.

.

Jack sets the ladder against the house and begins to climb.

Nora and Jack Sr. are in Alice's double bed. Their debris is all over the room. Medicines, tissues, clothing, suitcases. A room humidifier is spewing out cold steam. Nora's snoring softly. Jack Sr is reading a teen fashion magazine with a flashlight.

Scout and Alice are in the living room. Alice is awake. They are sleeping on a hide-a-bed. Scout has his arm around her ear. She pushes his arm away. She groans. "Get off me, you little fungus."

Ianto heads to the garage to place something in the freezer, flips the light switch and the house lights up. Jack has his back to it and turns as Ianto flips the switch off again. The brilliantly lit house is once again dark. He missed it.

.

.

Ianto's asleep now. Alone.

.

.

In Scout's room Jenny is on the bottom bunk. Art's on the top bunk.

.

.

A lonely figure on the ladder in the dark of the cold night. A sky filled with twinkling stars.

.

.

Alice opens the door marked, DECEMBER 19. Behind the door is a gingerbread man.

.

Jack peeks out of his bedroom. He looks up and down the hall, and then sneaks out of his room with a two-handled shopping bag filled with wrapped gifts. He reaches up to the ceiling. Fold-down stairs.

Jack slips his finger in a brass ring and turns it, unlocking the stairs. Jack pulls down the attic stairs. He does so slowly but the staircase still squeaks. He brings the stairs down to eye level and stops.

He listens to see if he's attracted anyone's attention. He looks up at the stairs. The steps, which are collapsed on runners, slide down and hit Jack square in the forehead.

Jack climbs up the creaky stairs into the attic, rubbing his aching forehead. It's a standard, cluttered, wood floor, unfinished, unheated attic. He steps carefully over and around the detritus of twenty years of married life to the chimney. He sets down the bag of gifts. He takes out a gift and hides it behind the chimney. As he reaches behind the chimney, he notices something. He brings out a dusty, gift-wrapped package. He reaches back around, stretches, grits his teeth as he reaches far behind the chimney. He pulls out another wrapped gift. He sets it down and again reaches behind the chimney. He finds another gift- wrapped package. He looks at the gifts curiously. He blows the dust off one of the packages and reads the tag.

TO MOM, FROM JACK. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

He looks at another package. The tag reads - HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, ALL MY LOVE, JACK

Jenny comes out of the guest room. She sees the attic stairs down. "Gee whiz! Feel the cold air coming down from there!"

Jack picks up the third gift. The tag reads - HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, LOVE, JACK.

Jenny lifts the staircase and lets it crash closed. Jack freezes.

The Taurus is running. Jack Sr. is in the front, Nora is in the back with Alice. Ianto's standing at the Taurus. He's going to drive.

Jack's on his hands and knees pushing on the attic stairs. It doesn't budge. Locked tight. "Hello?! Ianto?! Somebody?!"

Art and Jenny bundle up and exit the front door. They can't hear Jack's faint cries for help. Jack is BANGING on the attic stairs.

Art and Jenny come out of the house. Ianto calls to them. "Da? Is Jack coming? "

"How the hell would I know?" comes the acidic reply.

"Was he in the house?" Ianto asks looking at the house with confusion.

"If he's not up on the ladder fartin' around with his lights, he must be in the house." Art waves a hand back at the house.

Ianto argues "I'm sure he wants to go to lunch and shopping with us."

"You've got another car. He can drive. Me, I have to eat so I can take my back pill." Art has had enough of this shit.

.

.

Jack works his way down the attic, heading for a small window at the other end. There is a narrow walkway of boards across the joists that run from one end of the attic to the other. Except for this walkway, the floor is unfinished and consists only of joists and insulation. Loose planks. Jack's foot steps down on the end of a plank. It sinks under his weight. Jack, anticipating that he's going to get hit in the face with the loose board, quickly steps back. The board he steps back onto flies up and smacks him in the back of the head. The impact throws him forward onto the first board which flips up and slugs him in the face.

Great.


	7. TAH DAH!

Art and Jenny get in the Taurus.

Jack is pressed up against the small, dirty attic window. A look of defeat and resignation on his face.

Far below, the Taurus pulls away and heads down the street. He watches sadly as the Taurus disappears down the street. He sighs in utter defeat. He glances to the side and notices the window is ringed with his inoperative imported twinkle lights. He reaches into his shirt pocket for a new bulb, opens the tiny window and reaches out to test for bad bulbs.

.

..

Jack Sr. and Nora are at the counter looking at manicure sets. Sr is arguing with his wife "I don't see anything wrong with getting Scout an air rifle. That's what he wants."

"Ianto said, no. You heard him."

Sr. huffs "Alright. Jackie had one when he was a boy"

"And he put out all the windows in the garage and you threw it away." She reminds him, referring to the manicure set in her hand "No. I think he'll be just as thrilled with a manicure set."

"Yeah. You're right. There's nothing more important to a young fella than well-groomed fingernails." He rolls his eyes.

"The set also includes a nifty toenail clipper" she gushes "That's a heck of a nice deal. Especially in the summer."

.

..

Jack comes back down the attic from the window, returning the failed bulbs to his pocket. He reaches the boards that whacked him earlier. He gingerly steps on both boards, balancing for a moment. Suddenly, the boards fly up on either side of Jack, smacking him both front and back.

. The plaster cracks under the weight of Jack's feet, leaving the approximate shape of human footprints in the ceiling. He's stepping between the joists. More cracked footprints on the ceiling. Jack's rummaging through boxes, looking for a coat. He finds nothing and crosses to another stack of boxes. The footsteps continue across the master bedroom ceiling. Jack's rummaging through another box. He comes up with an old wool scarf. He looks at it with a small degree of satisfaction. The girlie poster on the ceiling above the top bunk in Scout's room moves.. . Jack's feet suddenly break through the ceiling and tear through the poster.

Jack's sunk to his knees in the attic floor. A pair of legs standing on the top bunk.

.

.

.

Art and Jenny are at a counter discussing a gift for Alice as Art asks "Doesn't Alice have a purse and gloves?"

"This is for when she dresses up." A taupe leather purse and matching leather gloves are on the counter in front of them "We'll have them monogrammed."

Art looks at the price tag. "A hundred and ten bucks?! Forget it. Let's go back to the toy section and get her that loom."

.

.

Jack is wearing an old fur coat, a hat and white ladies' gloves that he's found among the stored junk. He's rummaging through boxes, resigned to his fate. Jack lifts the lid of a shoe box to reveal yellow Kodak boxes. The old home movies. He takes out several and looks through them. He smiles as the inscriptions on the boxes bring back pleasant memories. Shuffling through them - Jack's fifth B-day, Vacation to Toledo, Aunt Lou's funeral and finally, Xmas '59. He looks at the box for a moment.

Jack is sitting on a child's chair with the projector on a box beside him. The image is projected on a shirt hung from a rafter. He smiles at the old images.

.

.

The Taurus is in the drive. The grandparents are walking carefully up the slick pavement to the house. Ianto sneaks up the stairs with packages in his arms Ianto turns down the hall, stopping at the attic stairs. He reaches up and turns the attic stair lock.

Jack, the chair, the box of memories and the projector CRASH to the floor.

.

.

Todd and Margo have returned home from a run. They're dressed in the best winter running fashions.

"I want to take off these clothes and sit in the dark with a glass of wine and kiss every square inch of your body." Todd purrs as he kisses Margo "After you shower, of course."

"Of course"

.

.

Jack plants a floodlight in front of the Santa Claus and the plastic reindeer and a sign announcing MERRY CHRISTMAS in glittering plastic letters. He feels a degree of satisfaction with the new decorations, even though the lights on the house are still out of order. Ianto comes out the front door. he closes the door and steps down from the porch.

"Jack?" Ianto walks over to him. "Are you out here for a reason or are you just avoiding the family?"

"No. But I still have a few hundred more bulbs to check. In the meantime, at least I can light up the manger and Santa Claus and the eight tiny reindeer and the Merry X-Mas sign. That should look pretty good." Jack picks up the yellow extension cord that the house lights are plugged into. There are two inputs on the cord. "Ready?"

"Do you want me to do the drum roll thing?"

"No, it's okay. Here goes nothin'." Jack grimaces as he sticks the floodlight plug into the extension cord input. Nothing. - JACK Stares in disbelief. Ianto Winces.

The door from the house opens. Jack is holding the cords, staring at the house. "I don't understand it. Lights don't work, they don't work."

"Is it plugged in?" Ianto asks.

"The house floodlights Do you honestly think I'd check thousands of tiny little lights if I wasn't sure the extension cord was plugged in?" Jack scoffs at his husband with open anger.

Nora steps into the garage. She hits the light switch.

Todd and Margo are sitting on their king-size bed in the dark. Todd's in his shorts. Margo's wearing a satin robe. They clink glasses and kiss. The moment their lips touch, the room is flooded with light.

It's a spectacular sight. The home edition of the Disneyland Electric Parade. The lights in the panorama dim as the house sucks power. -HOME ELECTRIC METER -is a spinning blur. Nora crosses to the refrigerator in the garage and takes out a carton of milk.

Jack, blasted with light, continues to fiddle with the extension cords, unaware that the lights are on. Ianto's jaw drops. "Jack!"

"Just a second, Tiger, I think I know what's wrong ..." Nora crosses back to the door. She turns off the light

.

..

Margo and Todd climb off the bed and charge the front window. The lights go off. Margo and Todd, temporarily blinded, crash into a table.

.

.

.

"Turn the lights back on, sweetheart, I can't see what ... " Jack looks up slowly. Puzzled.

Ianto rushes into the garage. He hits the light switch and looks for the plug.

The lights go back on. Todd and Margo are hopping around the room, holding their banged shins. The wine bottle's fallen to the floor along with cheese and crackers and caviar and fruit, flowers, vase and water. It's a terrible mess, made all the worse by the screaming, bright light flooding into the room.

.

.

"The lights are back on." Jack yells. "Ianto! I fixed it!"

Ianto follows the extension cord to the plug. Its plugged in. He's puzzled.

Jack is still yelling "Everybody out! Quick! the lights!"

Art and Jack Sr. run in from the family room. The grandmothers from the kitchen.

.

.

.

Todd has the cheese, fruit, wine bottle, vase and flowers on the table and is carrying it out of the room. "Get a towel! Quick! There's wine all over the carpet!"

Margo takes off for the bathroom.

.

.

Ianto sees nothing wrong. He heads back to the door, reaching for the light switch.

…

.

.

The lights go out.

Margo rams into an armoire. Todd takes a header down the stairs.

.

.

Art and Jack Sr. come out on the porch. "What's all the yelling about?!"

Jack is bewildered. He wiggles the cords furiously.

Ianto comes back in the house. He stops as something occurs to him. He thinks for a moment.

Art, Jack Sr., Alice, Jenny and Nora are gathered on the porch looking at Jack. "What's he doing, Jack?"

SR. shrugs " haven't the foggiest ..."

Jack's twisting, shaking, whipping the cords and cursing. He throws the cords down and in his rage socks the Santa. " Damn it! Damn it! damn it ... "

The Santa face caves in when Jack slugs it. Jack kicks the reindeer and the sign. Ianto turns and runs back to the garage.

The family is disturbed by Jack's behavior. He rips the cords from the junction, spreads his arms wide and with a great, dramatic gesture rams them back together. Ianto comes back into the garage. He hits the lights.

.

..

Todd and Margo scream. The lights are back on, the room is blown out with light. The armoire is toppled. A television and component stereo is spilled on the bed in a tangle of wires and video cassettes, audio cassettes and CDs. Cheese, fruit, flowers, wine, the table and Todd are littered down the staircase. The harsh light is spilling through the living room, dining room and· foyer windows.

.

.

The lights are on.- For good. Jack is stunned that the lights work. The family comes down off the porch and onto the lawn, admiring the lights.

Scout enthuses "Wow! Dad, it's incredible!"

Ianto comes out of the house and runs to Jack. Jack takes him under his arm. Scout under the other. Alice hugs him and they look up at the house with great pride. The family gathers around.

Jack is almost in tears. The hard work has paid off. The struggle, the frustration, the anger The emotion is too much for him. It's a great moment of family warmth and love. Jack embraces Nora, then Jack Sr.

"It's lovely, Jack" Nora assures him.

"You deserve a house like this to spend Christmas in." Jack says grandly.

SR. agrees "It's a beaut, Jack."

"Dad, Dad, Dad. You taught me everything I know about exterior electrical illumination. " He embraces Jenny. "Dear, dear Jenny. I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays."

"It's wonderful, Jack." Jenny agrees.

Jack embraces Art. "Art, Arthur, Dad. Thanks for being here."

"You got too many blue lights."

Jack doesn't mind the insult. He regards it as a charming moment of truth and honesty. "I know, Art. And thanks for noticing."

Jack moves from Art to the next person. It's Cousin Owen. He's dressed in a cheap overcoat with a fake collar and a Kansas City Chiefs stocking cap. "The house looks real swell, Jack."

"Thanks, Owen. I hope it enhances your holiday spirit."

Toshiko is standing next to Jack. She's wearing a quilted car coat. Jack takes her in his arms, hugs her. "Toshiko! Dear ..."

Something's suddenly not right. Jack lets go of Toshiko. He steps back and looks at Owen and her. "Owen?"

"The house is gorgeous, Jack." Toshiko says with a wide grin.

"Owen?"


	8. Snots

I have an early start tomorrow for work so posting this early

.

.

* * *

Owen nods "I sure hope you didn't do all this on our behalf, Jack."

He turns and yells over his shoulder.m"You kids get out here and see what Uncle Jack has done to the house!"

"Owen?" Jack is baffled. "Owen?"

He looks off and is hit with another surprise …The biggest commercially-available RV is backed in his driveway. The door opens and two little kids, a boy and a girl, ROCKY and JANET, followed by a mixed breed hound, Snots, jump out. Rocky is six and Janet is five. The kids and dog run across the lawn.

Jack is stunned. He looks at Ianto. "Owen?"

Ianto is equally stunned. He shrugs. He doesn't have any idea why Owen and Toshiko have shown up. Owen and Toshiko greet the grandparents as the kids walk up. "If you don't remember, this is Rocky."

Art croons "You got a kiss for me?"

"Better take a rain check on that, Art." Owen calls out "He's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet."

Art pats Rocky on the head.

"You remember Janet."

Jenny gushes "Oh, my gosh! Her eyes aren't crossed anymore!"

"Something ain't it? Falls in a well, eyes go crossed." Owen laughs "Gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal."

Owen slaps Snots on the flanks "This here is our pride and joy. Snots."

"Pretty name, Owie" Jack says inanely.

"We named him that 'cause he's got sinus troubles."

Jack looks up with disgust. Owen croons to Snots "Snots, you roll over and let Uncle Jack scratch your belly. (to Jack) You never saw a set on a dog like this one's got."

"It's alright, Owen."

"You rub his belly, Jack, and he'll love you till the day you die." Owen encourages.

"I really shouldn't. My hands are chapped."

Toshiko says to Ianto "We would have called, but Owen wanted to make it a surprise"

"Jack?" Owen asks "You surprised?"

"Surprised? Owen, if I woke tomorrow with my head sewed to the carpet, I couldn't be more surprised than I am right now."

Ianto gives Jack an angry look. "We have plenty of room. Plenty of everything. (to himself) I think."

"We're pretty much set in the R.V. It's a little tight, but we didn't come to impose." Owen assures everyone with a wave back at the R.V.

"Hell, there's plenty of room." Art says to Owen "Quit being so damn polite. You want to spend the holidays with four people jammed toe-to-nose in a motor home?"

Owen re-evaluates his position. "Toshiko and me are comfy in there. Maybe you folks wouldn't mind the youngsters shacking up with you. After that drive ... (puts his arm around Toshiko) We could use some time together. (to Toshiko) Sweet Pea, run and get the kids' things. And don't forget the rubber sheets and the gerbils."

.

.

Jack and Owen are standing at the tree sipping eggnog. Owen's wearing a flannel shirt tucked into sweat pants and leather tie shoes. He's showered. His hair's combed back. "Hell of a tree, Jack. Is it a real one?"

"Dug it out of the ground myself"

"Is that a fact?" Owen seems impressed.

Jack reaches under the tree. Snots is drinking the water out of the tree stand.

Jack shoos the dog out from under the tree. "JACK Get outta there!"

"Don't worry about it, Jack, a little tree water ain't gonna hurt him. Before we left, he drank half a quart of Pennzoil. Boy, when he lifted his leg the next morning ..." Owen roared with mirth.

"If he drinks the water out of there, the tree'll dry out." Jack explains patiently to Owen, as he has tried to do all their lives.

"Snots? Get outta there? Go to the kitchen and get something to eat!" Owen commands imperiously. The dog saunters out of the living room. "Cute, isn't he? Only problem is, he's got a little Mississippi leg hound in him. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. A word of warning though. If he does start on you, you best let him finish."

Jack changes the subject "I just can't believe you're actually standing here in my living room. I never thought the day would come."

"I'm excited about it, too. It's a cryin' shame the older kids couldn't make it. I got the daughter in the clinic to get cured off the Wild Turkey and the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career." Owen gushes.

"College?"

"Carnival."

Jack says facetiously "You gotta be proud."

"Oh, yeah. He worked last season as a pixie dust spreader on the Tilt-0-Whirl and he thinks maybe next season he'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the Yak Woman. You ever see her?" Owen's question seems genuine as Jack blinks slowly.

Finally Jack manages "Sorry to say I haven't."

"Big horns growing right above her ears." Owen motions and spills Eggnog from his cup as he grins at jack "Ugly as sin but a real sweet gal and a hell of a good cook."

Changing the subject, Jack asks "Can I refill your eggnog, get you something to eat, drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"

Owen doesn't catch the insult. "I'm doing fine, Jack. Just glad to be here."

There's a lull in the conversation. Jack feels the need to fill it "Yeah. So, when did you get the tenement on wheels?"

"That's an R.V. I borrowed it off my buddy. He took my house. We took the R.V. It's a good-lookin' vehicle, ain't it?" Owen is smiling again.

"Beautiful. And it looks so nice backed in the driveway."

"Sure does, but don't go fallin' in love with it. When we leave next month, it's gain' with us." Owen warns.

"Huh?" Jack reels back as he learns how long Owen intends to stay.

Shit.

.

.

.

Night time and the house is glowing. Neighbors have gathered in the street and on the adjacent lawns. From several blocks away, the house continues to glow.

Jack's house glows in the far distance.

.

.

Art is in Scout's room. He's staring at the ceiling. He's bewildered. Two big foot holes are punched through the bimbo's chest. He gives up trying to figure out what happened to the poster. He rolls over and settles into the bed. He turns revealing that the back of his head is white with plaster dust. As he pulls the covers up around his shoulders, a cloud of dust rises.

Rocky and Janet are sleeping in the hide-a-bed. A cage packed with anxious gerbils rests between them. Rocky smiles and we hear the soft splatter of water on rubber. On the floor are an annoyed and Scout and Alice. Scout's laying on top of Alice. She's struggling beneath his dead-weight.

Jack and Ianto are in bed, awake. The lights are off. The room is illuminated by the outdoor lights.

"I'm not complaining, I just don't know how we can have a nice Christmas with Owen here." Jack says softly.

"Well, they are sleeping the driveway."

"And isn't that a kick in the nuts?" Jack moans "How can the house look like anything but a junkyard with his shack on wheels parked in the driveway?"

"You've never judged anyone by how much or how little they have, Jack."

"No, and I never will. If Owen was rich ..." There's a long pause. "He'd be worse. Good night, Tiger."


	9. going fast

Owen's greasy fingers tear off a door marked, DEC. 21, to reveal a sprig of mistletoe. He leaves a big smudge mark on the calendar

The RV. door opens and Owen lets Snots out. Snots sniffs out the lawn.

.

.

.

JACK'S OFFICE BUILDING

Mid-morning in the business district. Jack pokes his head inside. No secretary. He tiptoes in, holding a poinsettia plant. He crosses to a door, knocks twice.

Lawrence Brigadoon's Executive Office is a vast room with an enormous desk. Brigadoon is seated behind it, having a conversation over the speaker phone. "Get Ed Leftic up here and have him look over these figures."

Jack enters with the poinsettia. "Mr. Brigadoon, merry Christmas."

Jack looks at his boss and sees that he's become Scrooge counting his money. He doesn't look up. "What do you want?"

Edging forward Jack replies gently "It's me, Jack Harkness-Jones. I have a gift for you."

Lawrence Brigadoon is back to normal. ·He waves toward an opposite wall. "Put it over there with the others, Harksball."

Jack can't resist "By the way, sir. Hope my report helped out at the trade show."

"I'm sure it did. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of an important call." He picks up the receiver. Jack turns to put the poinsettia on a sideboard and sees it's jammed with about fifty other poinsettias.

.

.

The Taurus rolls through heavily-wooded, snow-covered hills. A big wooden sign that reads - OSHGONOGGIN STATE PARK. A parking lot at the bottom. light illuminates the hill. A warming house. Outdoor CHRISTMAS CAROLS are playing.

Jack, Owen, Alice, Scout, Janet and Rocky are at the top of a suburban park sledding hill. They each have a saucer sled. Jack's on one knee with his saucer sled upside-down on the snow. He's shaking a spray can. "This is a new non-caloric silicon based kitchen lubricant my company's working on. It creates a surface 500 times slipperier than any cooking oil. We're really gonna fly down the hill with this stuff."

Scout asks with alarm "Has anybody ever put it on a sled?"

Jack pauses to consider "Not that I know of."

"Don't put none of it on my sled, Jack. You know that metal plate in my head?" Owen knocks his head to emphasize his point.

"How could I forget it?" Jack nods as he sprays the bottom of the sled.

"I had to have it replaced because whenever Toshiko revved-up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for half hour or so." Owen says conversationally as Jack freezes, can still in hand o slowly look up at him with shock "Over at V.A. they replaced it with a plastic one and it ain't as strong. I don't think I oughta be sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic."

Jack's growing weary of the endless blabbering. Ever since they were kids back in the UK Owen has got on his wick. Seriously, coming to America was a great way o get rid of him but he fucking well followed him like a bad smell. Hell … the entire frickin family did… both families. Let's not forget Ianto's burdens… parents. "Do you really think it matters, Owie?"

"The plate runs right under my part. If it gets dented, my hair ain't gonna look right."

Jack groans and flips his sled right-side up. "Let me go first and see how it works."

"Be careful there, Jack."

"There's nothing to worry about, Owie" Jack mounts the sled. "Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Jack W. Harkness-Jones."

He sets his palms on the snow and rocks the sled back and forth. It's extremely slippery. "Oh, yeah. This is gonna be some kind of wild ride!"

Jack rocks himself back, holds a split second and pushes off. The sled flies off the peak of the hill. Jack's sled streaks down the hill, across the flat and into the dark beyond. One moment he's on top of the hill, the next, he's gone.

Owen and the kids stand in silent shock. They're stunned by how fast Jack flew down the hill.

Jack's sled sails through the parking lot. He's holding on for dear life, screaming all the way. Barely missing cars, people jumping out of the way and heading for a Jeep. He leans back and closes his eyes in anticipation of serious injury. The sled shoots under the Jeep and out. Jack's sled flies out of the parking lot and onto the street. He reappears every few seconds as he passes through the pools· of street lamp light.

A heavily wooded area. Branches are breaking, BIRDS are roused and SQUAWKING.

A big red and green metal CHARITY TOY COLLECTION BOX bin resting in the parking lot. Out of the darkness into the harsh mercury vapor light of the parking lot, comes Jack and his sled. Sparks fly as he strikes dry pavement.

He opens his eyes for a terrified moment. The collection box is coming up fast. A freshly-painted Santa and the words HO! HO! HO! is on the red bin.

He braces for the crash.

In the distance, Owen and the kids hear the METAL BOOM of Jack's impact.

"Bingo!" Owen yells as he claps his hands with glee.

.

.

.

Jack's at work sitting behind his desk, staring out the window. John walks in.

"Jack?"

Jack turns in his chair.

"Staying late?" John asks with surprise.

"Just finishing up a few things. Last day of the year for me." Jack says as he smiles at his old friend.

"Have a really merry Christmas." John knocks his knuckles on the desk.

"Thank you. You, too."

John starts to exit. Jack stops him. "Did you get your bonus yet?"

John turns back to answer "I just talked to my girlfriend's son. He said a messenger brought a company envelope to the house.· I guess that's it. Nothing like waiting until the last minute. Did you get yours?"

Jack shakes his head, no.

"If it's not already at your place, it has to be on its way. Don't worry about it." John assures him.

If I don't get my bonus I'm in it ..." Jack places his hand to his nose "... up to here."

"Don't sweat it. It'll come. Merry Christmas."

"Same to you."

John exits

Jack's concerned that something's gone wrong.

.

.

.

The exterior lights are on. The interior lights are off except for a single light in the kitchen. It's late. Jack's in a red bathrobe, standing at the sink looking out the window. He's lost in troubled thought. He is daydreaming and in his mind's eye he looks out the window.

 _It's daytime. The pool is in and the kids are in the water._ Jack has a big, happy, dreamy smile. _Jack and Ianto have joined the fantasy._

He slips deeper into his fantasy.

_Mary, the girl from the department store, is bouncing on the diving board. She plays to Jack in the kitchen, waving for him to come out. Jack is in the window, looking out. It's dark inside, light outside. Mary's reflected in the window glass. Jack's in his robe. He shakes his head, "no." He's embarrassed. Big, sexy smile. She mouths, "Come on!" He begs off again. She reaches around behind her back and unfastens her top. He presses his face to the cold glass. She kicks off her bathing suit bottom. His face is severely pressed to the window. The bathing suit bottom hits the window._

Janet appears in the doorway, in her pyjamas, rubbing sleepy eyes. She squints. She sees Jack. Her jaw drops. Jack is leaning against the sink with his face pressed to the window.

_We hear a SPLASH. Mary surfaces and swims to the ladder. He's straining for a better view. She begins to rise from the water and ... I_

Janet's eyes are wide and her jaw is slack. "Holy shit! Santa Claus!"

From outside. It's dark again. The pool fantasy has evaporated. He's startled. He lets out a sharp cry as he turns quickly from the window to face Janet. Janet approaches Jack. "Uncle Jack! Are you Santy Claus?"

"Boy, you scared me. No. I'm not Santa Claus. I wish I was." Jack sits at the kitchen table and pats his heart. He composes himself. "How come you're up, sweetheart?"

"Rocky bit my thumb."

"Huh?"

"My mom puts bad tasting crap on his thumb so he don't suck it so sometimes he sucks mine and he has a bad dream, sometimes he bites it." She explains, holding up the bitten thumb.

"Oh."

"He's nervous because Christmas is almost here."

Jack senses a problem. He sits down and offers his knee to Janet. "Excited or nervous?"

"Shitting bricks."

"You shouldn't use that word." Jack parents as gently as he can, this is not his child but this is his house and she is family. Right?

"Sorry. He's shitting rocks." She corrects "He's nervous because he don't know if he's getting nothing. "

"Are you in school?"

"First grade."

Jack mutters to himself " Good school system. I don't think he should be nervous. And you shouldn't be either. Because if you're good, Santa Claus knows it. If you believe in him and you believe in your mom and your dad and you've been good all year, Santa Claus will bring you something."

Janet looks up at him with her sweet little face as she admits "Sometimes I think all that Santa crap's just bull. If he was so real how's come he didn't give us squat last year? We didn't do nothing wrong and we got the shaft."

"I know for a fact that Santa Claus is real. And somehow in the next couple days I'm going to prove it to you. He comes to this house every year. I've seen him."

"That's for true?"

"Cross my heart. It's a good idea you came to stay with us, isn't it?" Jack cuddles her as he feels his heart break.

Janet nods "I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place."

"I think you better get back in bed."

"How's come you ain't sleeping?" she asks as she slips from his lap.

"I was just looking for something. Did you notice if a man came to the house today to deliver a letter?"

Janet thinks hard as she recalls the day. "Nope. How come?"

"Just wondering. You go back to bed now, okay?" Jack pats her back affectionately and smiles.

"Okay." She slips down off his lap and waddles across the kitchen. She stops and turns back to Jack. "You sure you ain't Santy Claus? Jack smiles and shakes his head."

Janet exits. Jack mutters to himself "I can't even afford to be an elf."

Jack walks back to the kitchen window and looks out.

_Mary's bathing suit is laying on the frozen ground in the dark, cold, barren back yard._


	10. Great Aunt Estelle

The next morning in the kitchen Scout, Alice, Jenny, Nora, Jack Sr., Art, Janet, Toshiko and Rocky are at the kitchen table. The kitchen looks like an Army mess hall.

Jack's standing in the living at the window looking out. Ianto walks in. "Aren't you having breakfast?"

"I'm not really in the mood"

"What are you looking at?" Ianto asks.

"The silent majesty of a winter's morn. The clean, cool, chill of holiday air. And an asshole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer."

She pulls the curtain aside and looks out. Owen, unshaven, in his bathrobe, black socks, brown loafers, a baseball cap, with bare legs and a cigarette is watching over a four inch black plastic corrugated hose that runs from the RV, across the lawn to the curb and the sewer. Snots is on a rope anchored to the manger. The Santa, the busted reindeer and assorted trash bags are piled up on the curb. Owen takes a drag of his cigarette, spits and looks to the window. He notices Jack and Ianto in the window. He smiles and waves. Jack and Ianto manage forced smiles and waves.

Owen yells to them. "Shitter was full!"

Ianto smiles sheepishly. Jack sighs. "Have you checked our shitters, Tiger?"

"Jack, please. He doesn't know any better."

"He oughta know that's illegal. That's a storm sewer. It fills up with gas, pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it." Jack shakes his head with wonder.

Todd comes out the front door in sweats. He's on his way for a run. He notices a strange odour. He looks to Jack's house. Owen smoking his cigarette, kicking the hose to keep it flowing. The RV's in the drive, Snots is tied to the manger. Owen sees Todd. He waves. "Merry Christmas!"

Todd is shocked. Owen leans down and picks up Jack's saucer sled. The bottom is worn clean through. He hurls it toward the RV, intending to keep it. Jack turns away from the window in disgust.

"You know, Jack, I have this terrible suspicion that he and Toshiko don't have any presents for their kids." Ianto admits as Jack recalls the conversation with Janet. "Rocky said something about Owen telling him that Santa wasn't coming this year."

"Janet said something like that last night. How could they not have anything for their kids?" Jack sighs.

"Owen's been out of work for close to seven years." Ianto sits and fiddles with his buttons.

In seven years he couldn't find a job?" Jack asks with incredulity.

"Toshiko says he's been holding out for a management position."

"Jeez, what a worm."

.

.

.

A large, chain toy store jammed with last minute holiday shoppers. Owen and Jack are strolling down an aisle.

"How's the live bait business, Owie?" Jack asks casually.

"Can't complain. How're you doing?"

"Not that good, actually" Jack admits.

"Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago?" Owen asks as he squints at a price tag.

"No, we missed out on that one." Jack says with fake bravo, then adds "You're pretty well set so far as shopping goes?"

Owen senses that Jack knows he's been lying. "Can't lie to you, Jack. The truth is things aren't going good at all. I said I borrowed the RV from my neighbor? It's mine. We live in it. I sold off the house and the barn and the ten acres. All I kept was a 50 foot plot and the pigs and the worm farm. (angry) If I had back all the money me and Toshiko sent that T.V. preacher that was screwing the hockey players ..."

"What about the kids?" Jack's heart is overflowing for those poor kids.

"I sent the money to the preacher himself, his kids can fend for themselves."

"Your kids, Owie!"

"Oh, well, that's the bitch of it, Jack. I don't know what to do. We coasted into town on fumes. Gas money run out in Kankakee." Owen slumps.

"Jack takes a deep breath "Ianto and I want to help you give the kids a nice Christmas. "

"I couldn't do that, Jack"

"No, we insist" Jack places his hands up in defense.

"I'm not one for charity, Jack." Owen bristles, seemingly genuinely offended.

"I know that Owen, but it's not charity. It's family." Jack smiles as he places a hand on Owen's shoulder in a brotherly way.

"I don' t know ... "

"If you don't tell me what they want, I'll get the stuff on my own." Jack is playful now as he sees Oen start to fold.

"Boy, this is a surprise, Jack. Just a real nice surprise." Owen reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of brown paper grocery bag. "Here's a little list. Alphabetical starting with Toshiko. And if it wouldn't be too much, I'd like to get something for you, Jack. Something real nice."

.

.

.

Janet's hand opens a door marked, DEC. 24. Behind the paper door is a candy cane. Janet leans and licks it.

.

A beautiful sunrise. Except for the RV and the dog tied to the manger and the Santa and the broken reindeer on the curb, the house looks great.

Gifts are placed beneath the tree. A floral centerpiece is placed on the table. Potatoes are being peeled. Rocky is not happy as Toshiko combs his hair. Art ties his Christmas tie. Janet lights the Christmas Candles with glee… like a little pyromaniac. A place is set for everyone at the table as the day clicks through to dusk.

Owen puts a ribbon around Snots's neck.

Jack and Scout are helping an elderly woman, Aunt Estelle, and her husband, Uncle Lewis into the house. Janet's following behind with their gifts. Uncle Lewis is in his late eighties, cranky, stooped, and dressed in a tweed suit and sucking on a long cigar. Aunt Estelle's also in her late eighties, four and a half feet tall, wearing a well-worn mink stole, a polyester pant suit and a hat. She's taking two-inch steps, clinging to Jack. "Don't throw me down, Jack."

"I'll try not to, Aunt Estelle." Jack grumbles to himself as he imagines hefting her through the air like a sand bag or something. Aunt Estelle is now a skeleton. Jack calls into the house "We're here!"

Say, Jackie, me and Estelle figured out the perfect gift for you." Uncle Lewis coughed out.

"Gee, Uncle Lewis, you didn't have to get me anything." Jack says with mild alarm as he glances back at his dower looking daughter and the large box she is carrying.

"Dammit, Estelle, he guessed it!" the old man cackles, then coughs some more.

Ianto, Toshiko and Jenny come into the foyer from the kitchen. Aunt Estelle lights up as she sees Ianto "Oh, that was fun! I love riding in cars."

Ianto helps her off with her coat as Jenny and Toshiko greet her. "Aunt Estelle, you look so wonderful. Hello, Uncle Lewis. "

""How do, princess." Is coughed back as her outstretched arms for a hug gets a coat that smells faintly of cigar smoke.

"Hello, Estelle. Lewis." Jenny embraces Uncle Lewis. The rest of the family crowds into the foyer.

Lewis shifts his cigar in his mouth to keep it from setting Jenny's hair on fire. "Watch the stinkeroo! I don't want you to burn down your wig."

Janet tugs on Scout's coat to get his attention. He looks down at her. "Who're the old geezers?"

"That's your Dad's and my Dad's great aunt and uncle."

Janet looks them up and down then huffs "What's so great about 'em?"


	11. let's just get through this

Ianto helps Estelle off with her stole. Jack tries to help Lewis with his coat. "Get your fingers out of my armpits!"

He peels off his hat and hands it to Jack. He's bald. Jack looks at Lewis curiously. Something's not right. He looks in the hat. A gray toupee is inside the hat. Lewis has removed his hat and his hair.

Jack takes the toupee out of the hat and attempts to place it back on Lewis's head. He stands behind Lewis waiting for his opportunity.

Scout calls out "Where do you want the presents, Tad?"

"In the living room. Thanks" Ianto replies, then says to Aunt Estelle "Aunt Estelle, you shouldn't have done that."

"Oh dear. Did I break wind?" the old lady gasps with horror.

"Jee-zuz!" uncle Lewis growls "Did the room clear out, Estelle? Hell, no! He means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents."

Jack tries to drop the toupee on Lewis's head. He moves forward. Ianto sees him. He explains what happened in gesture. Ianto watches with wide eyes.

"Well, heavens, it isn't every day that somebody moves into a new house." Aunt Estelle argues.

"They didn't move to a new house!" he roars back.

"You'll have to speak up, dear."

Uncle Lewis throws his arms in the air and heads for the living room. Jack flips the toupee, Frisbee-style at Lewis. The toupee lands on his head. He looks up. He pats his head and straightens his toupee.

Jack take's Estelle's coat from Ianto and hangs Lewis's and her coats in the closet.

"Tad?"

"Scout, just put the presents in the living room" Ianto is already done with the day.

"But, Tad... "

"Not tomorrow, Scout. Now!" Ianto demands, losing his temper fast.

"This house is much bigger than your old one. .." Estelle says with wide eyes full of wonder like this house she comes to every Christmas suddenly changed. It's not a fucking TARDIS ya know!

Ianto manages to croon to Aunt Estelle "Why don't you go with Toshiko into the living room and say hello to everybody?"

"Oh, sure."

Toshiko and Jenny help her into the living room.

"Dad?"

"What?!"

"This box is meowing."

Jack takes the box from Scout. He shakes it. From inside we hear a muted cat's meow "She wrapped up her damn cat!"

"Take it in the kitchen and open it up." Ianto waves a hand without really caring anymore.

Jack frowns "Then we'll have a cat running around"

"You can't leave it in a box."

Scout asks with confusion "Why would somebody wrap a cat in a box?"

"She gets confused, Scout. She's old. She and Uncle Lewis don't have much money. She takes things from around the house and wraps them up as gifts." Ianto explains gently, his hands on his son's shoulders to pat gently.

"Oh, great. I wonder what I got." Scout snorts "I can't wait to see"

Owen walks back in with a box. "This one's leaking." Owen licks his finger. "Mmm. It's cherry-flavored."

Ianto samples it. "It's her Jell-0 mould. I'll take it. Everybody just go into the living room."

The foyer clears, leaving Ianto and Jack with their packages. Ianto's is leaking. Jack's is howling.

.

.

.

Aunt Estelle is sitting with a fat Persian cat in her lap. Lewis, Jack and Owen are standing at the tree. Alice's sitting next to her.

Aunt Estelle gushes happily "I have a cat just like this at home."

Alice forces a polite smile.

"Jack, that's the ugliest goddamn Christmas tree I've ever did see. What the hell did you do to it?" Uncle Lewis points a craggy finger He reaches out and touches it. "I'm glad I'm not sleeping here tonight."

"You and me both." Jack mutters while forcing the smile to remain in place.

"This son of a bitch can't wait to catch fire and kill a household. "

Owen sniffs "Hmm! Boy! Do you smell that?"

Aunt Estelle whines "Oh, dear! I'm so sorry ... "

"The turkey, Estelle!" Uncle Lewis roars, then chokes "He's smelling the turkey!"

.

.

.

It's a magnificent twenty-pound turkey. Perfectly prepared, perfectly presented. Jack looks up from the turkey with delight. "Toshiko, if your turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a big treat."

Toshiko smiles sheepishly.

Owen yells "Save the neck for me, Jack."

Jack throws Owen a tired glance. He puts his smile back on and prepares to carve the turkey.

Jack puts the gleaming knife to the turkey. He punctures the hind end. A great gush of gas escapes. Everyone leans back from the table as the turkey splutters and coughs. The slit in the turkey skin flutters as the gas escapes. Jack is leaning back. The gas runs out and the spluttering stops. Jack leans forward and looks at the turkey. The legs slowly begin to rise up on their own. He leans back again. His look is curious and mildly frightened.

Everyone leans back again

The legs are standing straight up. The wings pull away from the body and extend themselves. The incision Jack made begins to expand. It tears slowly from the crotch to the neck with the sound of ripping canvas

Jack is leaned back as far as he can go. His eyes are wide with alarm. The skin separates like two hard, brown flower petals opening in time-lapse, exposing the breast meat. A beat and it falls from the bones in dry, dusty threads.

Jack fishes through the debris and comes up with a can of prepared poultry stuffing. "Owie? Did you make the dressing?"

Owen smiles." I sorta bought it the other night. I confess, Jack, it's store made. Found it in the R.V. last All you gotta do is pop off it and serve it up."

Jack glances down at Ianto, seated at the other end of the table. Ianto offers a stern, silent warning for him to keep quiet.

.

.

Estelle's cat approaches the Christmas tree and sniffs the needles.

.

.

Jack has served everyone their turkey threads. He makes an announcement. "Since this is Estelle's 80th Christmas ... (Everyone breaks into applause - - including Aunt Estelle.) I think she should lead us in the saying of grace. Estelle?"

"What, dear?"

"Grace." Jack repeats.

"Grace?" She says the after a pause "She passed on, oh, years ago?"

"goodness, Aw, for the love of God and country. She won't wear a hearing aid because she says it makes her look old." Uncle Lewis sighs and roars to Estelle "They want you to say the grace!"

Aunt Estelle shakes her head, "no." She doesn't get it.

Uccle Lewis says exaggeratedly "The blessing!"

Estelle catches on. She bows her head. The others follow suit. She clears her throat. Several times. "I pledge allegiance to the flag ..."

Jack He looks up. Owen looks at Jack. Uncle Lewis exhales loudly out his nose and strokes his forehead in defeat. She continues. "of the United States of America ... "

Everyone joins in. They all slowly rise off their seats and put their hands over their hearts. "And to the Republic for which it stands ..."


	12. the cat-astrophie

Aunt Estelle's cat is playing with the Christmas tree lights. Batting them. She bites a strand and pulls. She backs up, pulling the lights off the tree.

.

.

Everyone's eating in silence. Art picks through the overcooked food with disgust. Nora scowls at Owen's kids' horrible table manners, the boy power-spits an olive pit into his hand. Estelle is eating with a huge serving fork which Jenny removes from her, replacing it with a conventional fork, all of which she is oblivious to. Jack takes a bite of Jello mold. Owen feeds the dog under the table. It CRUNCHES loudly. And tastes terrible. Jack Sr. cuts Alice's meat for her. Scout struggles to keep Rocky out of his food. Toshiko silently apologizes for her family's manners.

"I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa Claus' sled on his way in from New York." Jack suddenly says.

The adults look to the kids for their reaction. Janet and Rocky smile.

Owen sighs "You serious, Jack?"

Jack gives Owen a tired look. He takes a bite of Jello mold. He chews. It doesn't taste right. He looks down at his plate. In the Jello mold are little dry cat food stars. He takes a sip of water and swishes it around his mouth. "Estelle? By any chance, does your cat eat Jello?"

Ianto gives Jack a dirty look. Owen is chewing his Jello. Crunching away. "I don't know about the cat, but I sure am enjoying it. Jack? You want to load me up with a little more? It is goo-ood!"

From underneath the table comes a loud, ugly dog cough. Everyone but Estelle stops eating. The dog coughs again. A deep, resonant crack. The dog coughs again. An extremely LONG and DEEP COUGH. The force of the cough causes the dog to hit the table leg and rattle the glassware.

"Owie?" Jack asks gently.

"Yeah, Jack?"

"What's wrong with your dog?"

"Honey? Toshiko says to Owen "Maybe the bow you put his neck is too tight."

Owen peeks under the table. "He was yacking on a bone but he got it up. He's alright now."

"Maybe if you didn't feed him from the table." Jack nods, resuming his meal.

"No, Jack. He was probably just nosing around in the trash."

.

.

Trash is strewn across the kitchen floor. Snots has gotten into the trash under the sink and has spread it across the kitchen floor.

.

.

The cat continues to pull the lights off the tree.

.

.

Jack and Ianto are cleaning up the mess. Jack complains "I don't know why he isn't in here cleaning this up. It was his dog ..."

"If you want to go in and have dessert, I'll finish." Ianto says to get rid of him.

"That's alright. When I was cutting the pie, I found half a Band-aid." Jack shrugs.

"That must have been Janet. She was helping roll the dough." Ianto shakes his head then pauses, asking "Did you find the other half?"

Estelle is chewing with considerable difficulty. She swallows hard. Lewis leans back and yells to the kitchen. "Jackie! You're not doing anything constructive, you wanna run into the living room and get my stogie?"

The last of the mess is off the floor. Jack is annoyed with the order from Lewis. "Anything else I can do for you, Lewis?"

"He's an old man" Ianto advises to calm him "This could be his last Christmas."

"He keeps it up, Ianto, it will be his last Christmas." He exits the kitchen.

.

.

The cat is still chewing. It yanks its head for a little more strand. Jack walks in and takes Uncle Lewis' cigar case from the coffee table. The lights on the tree go out. Jack looks at the tree, puzzled. He walks over to it. He bends down and plugs in the lights. The tree lights go back on. Jack starts to straighten up. He notices something. The strand the cat's chewing is unplugged. He plugs the lights in. There's a horrendous SCREECH from under the club chair. A tremendous electrical SIZZLE, the lights dim and then an EXPLOSION and the house falls dark.

.

.

Scout holds a cigarette lighter to the circuit box. He re-sets the breaker and the lights go on.

Jack and Owen are at the chair. The others are gathered around and behind. The room smells horrible.

"What's that smell?" Ianto asks with horror.

"I think it's your chair, Ianto."

"Move it away from the wall." Jack says as he seizes an arm and Owen moves to help his cousin.

"I told you, you had too many plugs in one socket." Uncle Lewis says with triumph.

Jack grumbles to himself. He and Owen lift the chair and carry it away from the wall. Everyone leans forward to see what's behind the chair. There's a collective gasp.

"Oh, God ..." Jack moans with horror.

The blackened, smoldering outline of a cat scorched into the carpet.

Aunt Estelle and Uncle Lewis are trying to see past the others. "What is it?"

Ianto shepherds them away. "It's nothing. dessert. Let's go finish our dessert."

Owen tilts the chair and looks at the underside . "If this one's got nine lives, she just spent 'em all."

"Dad? Can you get the door?" Jack calls out and Jack Sr. opens the front door.

Ianto walks in. "What are you doing, Jack?"

"What's it look like I'm doing?" Jack snaps "Throwing away the chair."

"Is it ruined?" Ianto asks, looking back at the rest of the immaculate set he loves so much Jack sighs as he knows Ianto waited months for this bloody living room set.

"Tiger, you and I will not outlive the stink in this piece of furniture."

"What did you do with the cat?"

"There's nothing to do anything with, Ianto. It blew up." Jack is over it "Owen found its asshole stuck to the wall, for God's sake."

"Watch your mouth!" Ianto replies in that low tone of warning. He is not having a good day either ya know ya twat.

Scout gleefully laughs "Oh, sick! I thought it was a piece of liquorice Rocky spit on the wall."

"You know, Jack, if somebody hadda got hit with that thing, it coulda put an eye out." Owen joins in.

"Thanks for sharing that with me, Owen."

They cart the chair outside. Ianto makes a general announcement. "Everything's fine now. Let's just carry on. It's tragic and distressing, but it's over."

Jack and Owen dump the chair on the parkway next to the Santa and the reindeer. Jack notices an odor.

"If you wouldn't mind, Jack, I'd like to see if I can fumigate that chair. It's a good-quality item. You mind if I ask how much it set you back?" Owen asks as he looks at Ianto's prized chair with new interest.

"Do you smell something?"

"Deep-fried pussy cat."

"No, it's some kind of gas" Jack looks into the gutter. "It's coming from the sewer."

Owen picks up the Santa and sets it over the sewer grate. "That oughta take care of it."

Jack shakes his head in disgust and heads back up to the house.

Uncle Lewis is alone in the living room. He's standing in front of the tree. He's lighting his cigar. He puffs furiously and he waves the flame under his stoggie. He shakes the match. It doesn't go out.

Jack has come back inside. He's putting his coat in the closet. There's a flash of intense light from the living room and a low-pitched poof! Jack dashes into the living room. He rushes in and recoils in alarm. "Lewis!"

Uncle Lewis is happily puffing a cigar. The quick, intense flash fire has left the tree a blackened skeleton. Jack is in horror. "The tree!"

Uncle Lewis looks up, oblivious to the raging fire storm behind. Jack points. Uncle Lewis is cranky now "What're you yelling about?"

"Look what you did to my tree!".

He catches the signal and turns to look at the tree. He turns around. His backside's in flames. Horror upon horror. Uncle Lewis is looking wide-eyed at the burning tree. Jack rips a curtain down and dashes to Uncle Lewis. SMOKE DETECTOR GOES OFF. They are cleaning up the kitchen and getting desert ready, Christmas carols are playing on the radio, the TV's blasting for Aunt Estelle's benefit. Ianto hears the smoke detector "Is that the smoke alarm?"

Nora listens "Sounds like it."

"Lewis probably lit a cigar" Ianto shakes his head with annoyance. Great, the remaining furniture will stink of cigar smoke!

.

.

The tree has burned out. Jack slowly unwraps Lewis from the curtain. His toupee's in his face, his cigar's crushed but still smoldering. "Jackie, you're on my priority shit list."

.

.

The tree is a blackened skeleton. The ceiling is blackened. The few gifts that were placed around the bottom of the tree are charred. The ornaments and lights are fried. The carpet around the tree is melted. The family, minus Jack, is in the living room, looking at the burned tree. Art shrugs "It was an ugly tree anyway."

Uncle Lewis agrees "At least it's out of its misery."

Ianto takes Scout and Alice into the foyer. Rocky says to Owen "Will Santy Claus still come?"

Owen thinks "That's a good question, Rocky. Toshiko? If the tree's ... "

"Of course he'll still come, Rocky." She glares at her husband who grins without a care in the world.

"If he's smart, he'll stay well clear of this joint. It's a death-trap from stem to stern." Uncle Lewis snarls.

Alice and Scout are confused and upset. "Tad? The tree burned down, the cat blew up ..."

"I know, honey, but there's nothing we can do about it." Ianto sighs.

Scout is concerned "Dad's gonna flip out, right?"

"Nobody's going to flip out. We're going to have a wonderful Christmas." Ianto snarls through his fake smile, shaking with rage "We just have to be patient. There's nothing to be upset about."


	13. nuts

The DOORBELL CHIMES.

Jack stomps in from the kitchen. He grabs the front door handle and whips it open.

A delivery boy in a blue uniform is standing at the door. He's holding the door knocker that's been torn off the door in his hand. The door wreath with blinking lights is dangling around his arm. His other hand is poised over the doorbell, index finger pointed. He's shocked.

Jack barks at the Boy. "What the hell do you want?"

The boy is horrified. "I have a delivery for Jack W. Harkness-Jones. I was supposed to deliver it yesterday but it fell between the seats and I didn't see it. I'm sorry."

He holds up an envelope. Jack's angry expression withers as he sees the envelope. The Delivery Boy hands Jack the envelope. "Merry Christmas."

looking up from the envelope Jack replies softly "Merry Christmas ..."

He closes the door and stares at the envelope. "I can't believe it."

"What is it?" Art asks "A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?"

"It's from my company."

Ianto gasps with glee "Your bonus!"

"My bonus!" Jack grabs Ianto and hugs and kisses him. He brings Alice and Scout into his embrace.

"Open it, Jackie." Nora demands with excitement.

Owen nods as he moves closer to see as well "Jack? I hope it's a fortune."

Jack is Smiling, gushing emotion.

Uncle Lewis shakes his head "I never saw such a sight, jeezuzzz?"

Jack is gushing "I thought ... I never knew … I was afraid ..."

Art barks "You gonna bawl all over it or are you going to open it?"

"I was going to wait until tomorrow to tell you all this but what the heck. With this bonus check ..." Jack holds up the envelope "... I am putting in a swimming pool!"

There's a moment of stunned silence followed by a gleeful outburst

"That's it, the big one" Jack shakes the envelope with glee.

"Open it, Cariad."

Jack smiles as he says with delight "I'm sorry if I've been a little short with everyone. I've been waiting for this check. To make sure the pool goes in as soon as the ground thaws, I had to lay out the money in advance. Until this little miracle arrived, I didn't have the money to cover the check."

"Tear the sucker open, Dad!" Alice yells.

He tears open the envelope slowly and deliberately, teasing himself and the others. He brings the envelope to his lips and blows, inflating it. With great flair, he reaches two fingers into the envelope and snares its contents. He withdraws a green slip of paper. He waves it in the air. "If there's enough left over, I'll fly you all in to help us dedicate it!"

Owen says flatly "Jack? I can't swim."

"I know." Jack winks. He turns the slip of paper over and looks at it. His face freezes. He stares at the check. He lets out ·a strange, high-pitched giggle. Then he turns deadly serious. The family stares at Jack, unable to understand his sudden change of spirit.

"Jack?" Ianto asks gently "What's wrong? Cariad?"

Jack doesn't answer. He just stares at the piece of paper.

"Cariad?" Ianto repeats "Is it bigger than you expected?"

Jack shakes his head, no.

"Smaller?" Ianto's voice shrinks as well.

Jack shakes his head again.

"Well, what is it?" Ianto asks with growing alarm.

"A one-year membership in the Jelly-Of-The-Month Club" Jack says with wide eyes.

"Oh, God, Jack." Ianto raises a hand to his mouth like he might be sick. The family is knocked into silence by the news.

Owen innocently says "That's a gift that keeps on giving the whole year."

"That it is, Owen. That it is, indeed." Jack seems to be in shock, blinking slowly as he stares at the piece of paper with awe.

Ianto tries to calm Jack down, fearing another explosion. "Jack? I'm sorry."

The family backs away as Jack's temper rises. "If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head punch in the face I ever got. Goddamnit! Listen, if any of you are looking for last minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Lawrence Brigadoon, my boss. Right here . Tonight"

Owen looks at Jack as an idea seeps into his thoughts.

Jack continues to snarl "I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with the other rich people and I want him brought right here."

Jack's eyes are wide with anger. "With a big ribbon on his head. I want to look him in the eye and tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flusing, low-life, snake-lickin', dirt-eatin', in-bred, overstuffed, ignorant, pus-oozing, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, heartless, hopeless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! (pause) Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"

Jack storms out of the room into the kitchen, leaving the family silent.

Owen grins.

Ianto clears his throat. "How about some eggnog?"

A chainsaw kicks in Jack comes out of the garage with the chainsaw roaring. Ianto and all the kids hurry out the front door. Alice whimpers "He's got that look doesn't he?"

Scout agrees "We should have gone to Hawaii."

Ianto shouts "Turn that thing off and get in the house!"

Jack ignores him and heads for the corner of the house.

"I'll talk to him, Tad." Scout offers. Scout steps off the porch and approaches Jack. "Dad?"

Jack turns to Scout. He has an angry look in his eyes and a chainsaw in his hands. Scout steps back. "Good talk, Dad."

Jack turns from Scout and marches across his lawn to a blue spruce on the corner of his property. He lays the chainsaw into the trunk and yells at the top of his voice. "Tim-bar!"

.

.

Todd and Margo are sitting in the living room having cocktails, listening to New Age Christmas. Margo turns to Todd and asks "Aren't you just the tiniest bit sorry we didn't get a Christmas tree? Even if they are dirty and messy and corny and clichéd?"

"Where are we going to get a tree at this hour on Christmas Eve?"

Behind them, the end of Jack's blue spruce CRASHES through their window.

.

.

.

Jack is washing his hands. Ianto is scowling at him. Jack looks at him with wide eyes "What?"

"Was that really necessary?"

Jack plays dumb. The heat of the moment has cooled and he feels slightly foolish for his outburst. "What? "

"Making a scene like that?"

"We needed a tree." Jack dries his hands with a flourish.

"May I remind you ..."

Jack finishes his thought "That this was my idea. No. I am well aware of it."

"Could you keep that in mind next time you go berserk?"

"I didn't go berserk. I simply solved a problem. We needed a coffin ... tree. There are no tree lots open on Christmas Eve. Your uncle burned down my tree so I simply replaced it as best I could" Jack defends himself with his hands waving about.

"You're okay?"

"Tiger, I'm fine." Jack picks up his chainsaw off the bathroom vanity and exits. Jack comes down the stairs. He grabs the newelpost and the ornamental piece atop it comes loose in his hand. He looks at it angrily, puts it back, STARTS UP the CHAINSAW and levels the newelpost in one, clean swipe. He yells loudly, to Ianto "Fixed the newelpost!"

.

.

The burned tree is on the curb next to the chair. The RV backs out of the driveway.

The new tree is up and has been hastily decorated with ornaments salvaged from the burned tree. A single strand of lights, melted, elongated bulbs, and charred tinsel. The family has reassembled in the living room. Jack walks in and places presents under the tree. Estelle perks up. "What's that sound?"

All eyes turn to Estelle. "Do you hear it? A funny squeaking sound?"

Uncle Lewis growls "You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerine plant ..."

"Shh! I hear it, too." Jack cants his head.

We hear a FAINT but distinctive, HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL.

Snots is locked in the laundry where he's thoroughly chewed up a full load of wash. He stops chewing. He looks at the door. His ears perk up.

The squealing grows louder. Everyone leans forward to listen closer. Jack leans down to the tree and has a listen. "I don't hear it anymore."

Thick, fresh branches with charred ornaments and a single strand of lights. Jack's hand separates the branches as he peers into the tree. A sudden look of shock. A squirrel leaps into camera. All hell breaks loose as a wild crazed, SHRIEKING SQUIRREL bursts into the room.

"Holy infant!" Jack splutters.

"Squirrel!" Scout screams.

People are running every which way, bumping into each other. Nora faints dead away in the middle of the room. Lewis' cigar ashes spray as he rams Jack Sr. Janet and Rocky are screaming at· the top of their voices. The women are screaming. Art decks Jenny on his way out. Ianto stands gaping. The squirrel goes up the drapes and leaps onto the couch.

Estelle is oblivious to the mayhem. Befitting her age, she's sitting with her legs relatively far apart. A beat and the squirrel runs up one of her legs under her skirt. A puzzled look on her face. She grimaces and gives a yank on her undies. "Oh, my! I hope somebody got me a girdle. This one's pinching and binding something terrible."

The family's in horror as they watch Estelle. Estelle is still unaware of what's up her skirt. We can see the squirrel scrambling around her lap. Lewis looks up from Estelle to Jack. "You can write that son of a bitch off. Nothin' goes up there and lives to tell about it."

Jack and Lewis look back at Estelle.

A beat and they scream as the squirrel flies out again.


	14. Panic now?

Everyone's huddled in the foyer screaming and shivering in revulsion.

Jack hisses "Quiet! Shut-uuuuup!"

The screaming dribbles out. "We don't want it to get out of the living room! Give me a coat! Where's Owen? He eats these goddamn things. "

Toshiko interrupts him "Not recently, Jack. He read that squirrels are high in cholesterol."

"Thank you, Toshiko." Jack sighs then continues "I'll try and trap the thing under a coat. Alice, get me Grandpa Art's overcoat. Scout, go get the hammer."

"What do you need a hammer for?" Ianto demands.

"I'll catch it in the coat and smack it with the hammer."

Janet screams. Jenny faints.

It's silent. Nora's still out cold in the middle of the room. Estelle's still sitting on the couch. Jack and Jack Sr. tiptoe into the room. SR whispers "Nora?"

For whatever reason, Nora's playing dead. She lays perfectly still. She whispers "Is it gone?"

"Nope. Just lay still. Jack? You want to get Estelle out of here?"

"Dad, do you honestly think there's anything else the squirrel could do to her?" Jack asks.

SR. considers "That's a point."

Jack steps lightly into the room. He makes a chirping sound. There's no response. He's on full alert. Nerves tingling. "It probably got scared and ran back into the tree."

As Jack steps over Nora, she starts to slowly get up. She lifts her butt in the air, afraid to move too quickly. As Jack passes, the others can see the squirrel on his back. SR sees the squirrel and yells. "It's on your back!"

Jack screams, turns and plows into Nora, spilling her ass over tea kettle again. It's mayhem in the foyer as everyone runs in opposite directions.

Ianto and Scout burst into the kitchen.

Toshiko crashes into the dining room table.

Jack flies into the kitchen.

There's a wild scramble for the stairs. Everyone runs up. Alice runs out of the kitchen with the squirrel clinging to her head. As she the stairs, the squirrel leaps onto Jack Sr. and onto the stairs

Snots bursts through the door. Snots charges in from the kitchen, decking Art. In a spray of foam and spit, the dog tears up the stairs, barking and snarling. A beat and the people that ran upstairs plow back down.

Everyone charges into the living room.

The squirrel, followed by Snots, clambers down the stairs and runs into the kitchen.

.

..

Todd and Margo stand on the porch. Margo demands "You march right over there and slug that prick in the face!"

"I can't just attack someone."

"If you're not man enough to put a stop to it, I am. "She marches off the porch, heading for the Harkness-Jones house.

.

.

Jack cautiously comes back in. It's silent. Snots and the squirrel charge in from the kitchen. Jack grabs the door handle and whips the door open. Margo is standing in the door. Her eyes pop and she screams. The squirrel leaps for her face. Snots is right behind, heading for her midsection.

Jack slams the door without seeing her there "Gone!"

.

.

The doorbell rings over at Todd and Margo's. The front door opens. Margo steps in. Her face is clawed from the squirrel, the bottom half of her outfit is torn off. Her pantyhose is shredded and hanging around her ankles. Her top is clawed open. Todd is horrified. "My God! What happened to you?"

pushes the hair out of her face. She draws back and throws a mighty punch. Todd hits the deck. Margo steps over him and heads for the stairs.

.

.

Jack comes down the stairs in a Santa suit. Ianto and the kids follow. Toshiko is behind them. Art and Jenny are at the closet getting their coats.

"Where do you think you're going?" Jack roars.

Art and Jenny look up at Jack with alarm.

"Nobody's leaving." Jack barks "Nobody's walking out on this fun, old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We have a full-blown, four alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on and we're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny fuckin' Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat, white ass down the chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse"

"You're being a dick!" Art snorts.

"Don't piss me off, Art."

Ianto warns "Jack! It's over."

"Not according to Santa's watch, it's not" Jack is defiant.

SR. says gently "Son?"

"Dad? Stay out of this."

"I think its best if everybody just goes home before things get any worse." Ianto is agreeing with everyone as he tries to push Jack away from them so they can escape.

"How the hell could it get any worse? Take a look around, Ianto. We're at the threshold of hell." Jack laughs maniacally.

.

.

The RV whips out of a long driveway and hits the street on two wheels.

.

.

Jack Sr. is talking to Jack. "Son, I love you, we all love you. This is a terrible night, nothing's gone right, it's a disaster, but you sitting out there singing like a lunatic only makes things worse." Jack looks at him, feeling slightly foolish. "You're too good a father to act like this. In years to come, you want your children and your family ·to remember all the love you gave us and how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas."

"I just ..."

"You just cocked it up. It's okay. It happens. Go upstairs and put on some fresh clothes and a happy attitude." His father advises.

"All of our holidays were always a mess. How did you get through it?" Jack asks.

"I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels."

"Good talk, Dad."

"Good talk, son."

Jack then smiles and says "Are you gonna recite 'The Night Before Christmas'?"

SR. smiles back "No. It's your house, it's your Christmas. I'm retiring.".

.  
.

The family is seated in the living room. Jack's standing at the fireplace. "The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads."

.

.

The RV ROARS into the driveway and slams to a stop.

.

.

Jack continues his recitation. "When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter."

The kids listen intently. Jack continues to read "I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter."

.

.

The RV door flies open.

.

.

Jack steps from the fireplace as he physically interprets the poem. "Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. . With great flair, Jack throws open the curtains on a bay at the front of the room. "The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave luster of midday to objects below; When what to my wondering eyes should appear ... "

Jack takes a close look out the window. "But a miniature sleigh and ... .Owen, my cousin, A man with no brain And my boss in his jammies All wrapped up in chain."

The front door opens and Owen enters with Lawrence Brigadoon. His hair's mussed, his face is red with anger, a Christmas bow is tied tightly over his mouth to silence him. He's in his pyjamas and slippers, bound wrist and ankle in dog chain. He mumbles and grumbles with rage.

The family is gathered in the doorway in stunned silence.

With a big, proud grin Owen crows "Merry Christmas, Jack."


	15. boom

Jack is speechless with shock.

Owen looks at Lawrence. "You ready to do some kissing?"

Lawrence's eyes bulge in horror.

.

.

Lawrence Brigadoon's house. The lights are on. Helen Brigadoon is on the phone. She's frantic.

"My husband's been abducted."

.

.

The ribbon and chain has been removed from Lawrence Brigadoon. He shakes the cramps out of his wrists. "I've never been treated like this in my life."

"I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping." Ianto sighs.

Lawrence snarls to Jack "You're fired! Where's the phone? I'm calling the police."

"Hold your wad, there, fella. Jack didn't have nothing to do with it." Owen retorts "This was my idea."

"Alright. He's still fired and you're going to jail!"

.

.

Several pair of boots run across the snow.

.

.

"No. It's my fault, Owen." Jack says, then turns to Lawrence "I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I said some things I shouldn't have."

Lawrence's confused. He thinks for a moment. "How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year."

.

.

A fresh clip is slammed into an assault rifle.

.

.

Jack is offended by Lawrence's arrogance. "And thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check and instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. Seventeen years with the company and I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. If you don't want to give bonuses, that's fine, but when people count on it as part of their salary, what you did just plain ..."

Scout huffed "Dicked it up."

"Thanks, Scout." Jack pauses then says "My cousin, whose heart is a lot bigger than his brain ..."

"I appreciate that, Jack." Owen gives a sincere grin.

Jack continues to speak "… is innocent. I will be more than happy to take the rap on this. On my behalf and on behalf of every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas."

Lawrence He feels guilty. He looks around the room. At the sad, confused, angry faces of the Harkness-Jones family. Jack's weary face, Ianto's embarrassment, the children's confusion, the cold anger of the grandparents. Small, common people who are righteous in their innocence.

He can't sustain his anger. His heart melts. He sees, first-hand the people his bloodless policies affect. After a considered pause he offers his apologies. "Sometimes things look good on paper but lose their luster when you see the effects on real folks. A healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it you hurt the ones you depend on. Jack? Whatever you got last year, add twenty percent."

Jack is bursting with joy. He looks to Ianto, to the kids, the rest of the family. The family delights in the news. Ianto runs to Jack. Jack lifts him off his feet. "Merry Christmas, Ianto."

.

.

Three suburban squad cars grind to a halt.

.

.

Scout holds up his hand to Jack. Jack slaps his hand.

Alice kisses him. "Thanks, Daddy."

Art walks over to Jack and offers his hand. "Merry Christmas, son."

Jack takes Art's hand. "Thanks, Art."

.

.

Outside Todd and Margo's house is filling with vehicles as Police officers stream into the street.

.

.

Jack turns to the family with a huge grin. "Hey, everybody! Merry Christmas to all and to all. a good night!"

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.

The lawn and two dozen police officers on the lawn. The street jammed with police vehicles and cops. The Police Commander He barks a sharp order.

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.

Uncle Lewis standing at the front door watches a wave of officers approach the house. Uncle Lewis saunters into the living room. "Jackie! You got just what you need. More friggin' company!"

Jack turns to Lewis, puzzled. He looks to Lawrence Brigadoon. "Lawrence? Did you call and let your wife know you're alright?"

It occurs to Lawrence that he's forgotten to call his wife.

The living room windows are bashed-out by rifle barrels. Cops storm in the door.

.

.

Margo's in bed. Alone. There's a KNOCK on the door. She yells "Go to hell, you worm!"

There's another KNOCK.

"If you want to come in here, you're gonna have to break down the goddamn door" she screams with rage.

The door blows off the hinges. Armed officers charge into the room and clamor over the bed to the window facing the Harkness-Jones house.

.

.

In Jack's house officers charge the room. "Freeze!"

The family freezes. Jack's on one foot, arms out, caught in mid-stride. Ianto, Jack Sr., Jenny and Lawrence Brigadoon, are caught in a rising squat. Nora freezes adjusting her bra. Alice's adjusting her underpants, Scout's about to sneeze. Uncle Lewis is frozen holding a lighted match. Art is bent forward in pain. Rocky has a finger in his nose, Toshiko in holding a hankie to Janet's nose, Owen is adjusting his balls. Estelle continues to drink her eggnog. Snots is in the corner frozen in a half-seated position.

A police car pulls up and stops at the curb. A middle-aged woman, Helen Brigadoon, gets out. A high-ranking OFFICER greets her and escorts her to the house.

The police hold the family at gun point as they search the family.

"I think you've made a terrible mistake." Jack says with alarm.

"I told you to freeze!"

Jack holds his position and talks through his clenched teeth. "May we blink?"

Mrs. Brigadoon and the Officer walk in and cross to the living room. Lawrence is frozen in semi-squat with his hand in his hair. "Helen!"

Helen runs to Lawrence and embraces him. "Thank God, you're alright!"

"I'm fine. I'm just fine. There's been a big misunderstanding tonight." Lawrence assures her.

"Excuse me, would you and Mrs. Brigadoon like to step outside while we take care of business here?"

Laurence laughs "There's no business. I'm not pressing any charges."

"What?" Helen squawks.

"It was a mistake."

"Lawrence, you were kidnapped." She says with confusion.

"I did something I shouldn't have and these people called me on it. This is Jack Harkness-Jones and his family" Lawrence waves a hand at the people huddled together.

"Welcome to our home." Ianto says politely. "What's left of it."

Helen is completely baffled. "What is going on here?"

"Remember how I was toying with the notion of suspending Christmas bonuses?"

She is horrified "You didn't ..."

"I changed my mind. I'm reinstating all the bonuses." He whines as he sees her starting to get angry.

"Of all the cheap, lousy ways to save a buck. I'm ashamed of you, Lawrence."

"You're not going to fire me, are you, Honey?" he grins.

Rocky is standing at the window looking out. "Look!"

Everyone turns to Rocky.

Rocky runs into the foyer and dashes outside . The family, the police, Lawrence and Helen exit.

Rocky stands on the lawn, looking up at the sky. Everyone comes outside and gathers around him. A red dot of light, low in the sky. Jack looks up at the light with a grin. "That's the Christmas star."

A snowflake falls. J

"And it's all that matters tonight. Not bonuses or gifts or turkey or trees. It means something different to everybody and now I know what it means to me." Jack finishes his speech with grandeur.

Aunt Estelle's standing in the doorway. She begins to recite softly. "Yea, Lord, we greet thee Born this happy morning Jesus, to Thee all glory Giv'n Word of the Father."

Jack takes Ianto's hand. Ianto takes Alice's hand. Alice takes Scout's hand. Scout takes Nora's hand. Nora takes Jenny's hand. Jenny takes Lawrence Brigadoon's hand. And so on until everyone is holding hands.

Aunt Estelle begins to sing. "Now in flesh appearing 0 come let us adore him 0 come let us adore him Venite adoremus Dominium Christ the Lord."

Lewis is standing next to the Santa on the curb. He has a cigar in his mouth. He strikes the match on the Santa's ass and lights his cigar. "That ain't the friggin' Christmas Star, Jackie. That's the light on the water treatment plant."

A terrible thought crosses Jack's mind. He whispers to himself "Sewer gas!"

Lewis finishes lighting the cigar and shakes the match.

Jack makes a move for Lewis. "Don't drop that ..."

Lewis flips the match over his shoulder. It drops in the sewer. There's a FLASH of light. The explosion blows the Santa and the reindeer and the Merry Christmas sign into the sky. Everybody hits the deck. Estelle remains standing She looks into the sky. The Santa rockets into the air, glowing and sparking. She puts her hand to her heart and begins to sing again. "And the rocket's red glare The bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night That our flag was still there ... "

Everyone puts their hands to their hearts and joins in. "Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave. For the land of the free And the home of the brave.'"

Aunt Estelle yells "Play ball!"

Janet looks up into the sky. The Santa and the reindeer and the sign arc across the full moon.

Janet gets a huge smile. "Uncle Jack?"

He looks at Janet.

She points to the sky. "Santy Claus ain't bullshit! He's real."

He looks at Janet and gives her a wink.

Lawrence and Helen, the police, the grandparents, Owen and his family, Scout and Alice are crowded into the living room. .. The grandmothers are serving coffee. The police commander's playing the piano and the officers are singing, in less than wonderful voices, "I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS."

Jack's still in the yard looking up at the Christmas star. Ianto puts his arm around Jack's waist. "Merry Christmas, Jack."

Ianto kisses his cheek and heads back to the house. Jack continues to look at the star. He grins triumphantly. "I did it!"

He laughs to himself. Snots returns from the squirrel chase and saunters over to Jack. Jack looks down at him. Snots looks up at him, sucks, COUGHS, and ... Spits. A troubled thought crosses Jack's mind. Snots puts his paw between Jack's feet. Ianto stands in the doorway. "Jack? Are you coming in?"

He looks down at Snots and then to the door. "In a couple minutes, Tiger."

Ianto goes inside and closes the door. The lights on the house go off. Jack looks down at Snots. "Merry Christmas, Snots."

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.

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TODD AND MARGO'S BEDROOM

They're in bed. Todd groans "It's over, honey. Harkness-Jones had his Christmas. Nothing else can happen. It's quiet, it's peaceful, all is calm."

"Will you just hold me?"

"Of course." He folds her into his arms. "Let's go to sleep and let visions of sugarplums dance in our heads."

"I'm so tense." She sighs.

"Sweetheart, if we don't go to sleep, Santa Claus won't come."

"You're so cute." She giggles, starting to relax.

The SANTA, the REINDEER and the LIGHTS CRASH through the ceiling into the bedroom.

THE END.


End file.
